Tuesday, April 27, 2010

OK, A Little Better Today

I had myself a good, old fashioned wallow in my pity day yesterday. Still kind of dealing with the residual grief of losing R permanently last year. That, in combination with kind of an emotionally intense day on Sunday and yesterday's doctor appointment were more than enough to send me over the edge.

When I was at the doctor's office yesterday, he gave me a diagnosis that has a rather ugly and negative sound to it, Failed Back (Surgery) Syndrome. This is in addition to osteoarthritis. This condition also has a kind of grim prognosis, as evidenced by the doctor's statement as he was leaving the exam room, "Just let us know when you are running out of Vicodin and Soma, we'll call them in to your pharmacy."

I am scheduled for an epidural injection next week. At some point, if we can get my back out of the cascade of spasm, I will be going in for physical therapy to (hopefully) strengthen the muscles so they do not go into spasm in the first place. I can handle the back pain, it is the spasms that pretty much lay me flat out. And I am pretty much in back spasms for at least 1/2 of my waking hours. Needless to say, I have to really think about what I do and whether I can accomplish certain things. And even with all this lying around, I am still losing weight. I am seriously not exerting much energy (although the energy it takes to just exist with chronic pain could possibly be Herculean), my appetite is not as large as normal, but I don't think I am eating THAT much less. Weird. I have lost 15 pounds in the past couple of months. At this rate I should be ready for bikini season really soon. (HAHAHAHA - I know better than to wear a bikini).

I did cry for about 10 minutes total last night. Somehow I stopped myself before I totally lost control. I have become a master of distracting myself from my grief. I know there is a vast rushing river of tears within, but I dare not let very much of it out for fear that I will get lost in it. As afraid as I am of letting it out, I also really wish I could let it go and be done with it. Having it all there, so close to the surface, feels crazy to me. I cry about the stupidest things sometimes, just because it is all there and has to overflow sometimes. Then I feel really foolish.

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