Yes, Yes, I Will Go to the Doctor

This post is really hard for me to write.

In December of 1986, I noticed that two of my lymph nodes on my neck were swollen and painful. I figured it was because I was getting over a bug of some sort. The swelling did not go down so I went to the doctor in January of 1987. I was put on one round of antibiotics, which did not work, then another different and stronger round of antibiotics. Neither medication worked, so my doctor referred me to an ENT for a biopsy. The moment my doctor uttered the word biopsy, I knew I had cancer.

My biopsy was scheduled for February 3, 1987, an outpatient, same-day surgery deal. Two days later I received a phone call asking me to come into the ENT's office for my diagnosis. Hodgkins Disease. So much went through my mind in those early days of my diagnosis. 1987 was a year of lab tests, surgeries, more lab tests, and daily radiation therapy sessions. I came out of it and have been cancer free since.

At least I think I have been cancer free. Fast forward to now. For about the past two months, I have noticed that two of my lymph glands on my neck have been swollen. Again, I had a cold or a bug and thought that they would eventually go down. They are getting bigger and starting to hurt. I am calling my doctor's office today to make an appointment. I fear the worst, I really do. If it is a recurrence, I know I can get through the chemotherapy (they will not do radiation again), but I am still scared.

At any rate, 22 years cancer free was one hell of a run. I really wish I could think positively about this. I can't right now.

Practicing Gratitude

One of the things I think is important in life is to practice gratitude. And right now I am feeling like I have lost touch with my attitude of gratitude. It is really easy to get all caught up in what is happening in life to forget to take a few moments to just BE grateful for the things I have in my life.

Today I am grateful for my wonderful family, the love and support of good friends, the fact that our most basic of needs are met, and the comforts of home. I am also grateful for the fog this morning. It was really quite pretty to see, when I was driving K to school.

I had been, for a long time, making a list of 5 things I am grateful for, every day. I feel like I really need to get back into that habit again because it really helps my attitude, and I face difficulties much better when I am grateful than when I am not. Today I will start the Gratitude Lists again.

Day of the Dead Festival

Last night we went to the Noche de Altares festival in Santa Ana. It is the largest Dia de los Muertes festival in Orange County and it was very moving and beautiful. People had altars set up to honor their loved ones who passed, some honoring many many generations of loved ones. Some of the altars were very simple, while others were quite elaborate and all were exquisite. I did not bring my camera, but wish I had. One of the vendors was selling these painted skulls that were absolutely beautiful.

I found myself alternating between crying and laughing throughout the night. There were two altars set up honoring people who had died of HIV/AIDS. I cried about my cousin Gary all over again. There were at least three altars honoring Frida Kahlo, I giggled about that a little bit. I love Frida Kahlo's art, and having three altars there honoring her was fun. One of the altars, honoring a man, had both a can of Spam and a pack of Lucky Strikes on it. I can only imagine how he died.

There were food vendors selling sugar skulls, tacos, churros, and other Mexican favorites, and other vendors selling any manner of Mexican handicrafts. We got their a little too late for the candle lighting and processional. I was bummed about that. I kept thinking about my friend Rosemary who passed away suddenly in April. One, she would have loved the festival, and two, I miss her terribly. I was unable to attend her memorial service in Minnesota, and I still feel like I need to do something tangible to get some closure. Not sure what I am going to do about that.

Saturday Morning

There is nothing quite like the sheer luxury of being able to shut the alarm clock off and go back to sleep. Ahhhh, it is a most delicious indulgence. As with most weekends, when K does not have a sport to participate in, we kind of fly by the seats of our pants, and try to be as unplanned as possible. The only thing we have going on today is the Home Depot Kid's Workshop. I wonder what the project is today?

I would go make a cup of coffee (I am the only one who drinks it) but I am out of Splenda and I don't want to add all the calories of regular sugar. May need an Albertson's run at some point today, or perhaps Ralphs since Ralphs is in the same 'town center' as Home Despot. This is Irvine. Strip malls are called 'town centers'. And the 'town centers' have urban sprawl. There are aspects of 'master planned' Irvine that do not seem to be planned out very well. And all of that can be for another post. Because I could write for days about it.

More about the Plumeria thing, One of my friends has the very same Plumeria in her yard, and when it goes dormant she is going to give me a cutting so I can have my very own. I am very excited! Now we just need to borrow a chain saw, I want to plant my Plumeria in the permanent planter out front that has two overgrown generic looking shrubs.

M drove to work yesterday, instead of taking the train, so we were able to eat a quick dinner and go to Disneyland last night. It was weird. Parts of Disneyland were completely dead and other parts were overcrowded. We were going to try to go on Pirates of the Caribbean and there were way too many people in line. But yet we were able to get right on the Matterhorn, and only had a little wait for the Haunted Mansion. We ended the night on the Jungle Cruise and the boat captain was hilarious. On the tram ride back to the parking area, the guy with the PA was really silly as well. Best tram ride ever!

I was talking with one of my friends yesterday, after all the gunman drama and school lockdown excitement here on Thursday, and I told her that I really wanted a cigarette when all this crap was going down. I quit smoking over 19 years ago, and it was kind of scary just how quickly those crazy thoughts come back up. After speaking to a friend of mine who lives in the apartment complex that they found the dead gunman in, she indicated that he had been served eviction papers by the OC Sheriff's Department, and told them he would be right out, shut his door and shot himself. So really, there was no need for the IPD, S.W.A.T. and the OC Sheriff's Department to go to all this drama. They did not even try to enter the apartment for like 5 hours after the shots were fired. Can anyone say Overkill?

I apologize for the rather randomness of this post, my brain is bouncing around like a Mexican Jumping Bean today. I am beginning to think that I need to be on Ritalin because my focus is so out of whack.

Herding

After all the drama yesterday, with Fort Hood and the guy in Irvine who, after being served with eviction papers, decided to hole himself up in his apartment with guns, and caused a city and county law enforcement frenzy, I spent the rest of the day "herding". I tried to reach out via phone and online, to make sure everyone I know is OK. Never thought I would end up being the human equivalent of a sheepdog, but there it is.

I also "herded" after the 35W bridge in Minneapolis collapsed. I spent two days trying to call people I knew to make sure everyone was OK. Amazingly only 13 people died in the bridge collapse, and I am grateful I did not know any of them. Sad for the people who did lose someone in that preventable tragedy.

In other news, K has had to do a nightly moon observation. We are on week three of four, and we have been walking to the neighborhood park every night to get a better view of the night sky. On our way, every night, we pass a flowering shrub, which is beautiful, and smells like lilacs. I miss lilacs, they do not grow well here because of the lack of a dormant season. I have been trying to figure out what kind of shrub this was because I would like to plant one or two in our yard. One of my friends on Facebook, after seeing the photos I posted of the shrub, identified it for me! It is a variety of Plumeria, likely a dwarf, since apparently, Plumerias are usually trees. Yay, Lynne, you rock!

Here are photos of the Plumeria.

Did Not Need the Drama Today

Today, seven schools in our vicinity were put on lockdown because apparently there was a gunman on the loose this afternoon. Of course K's school was one of the schools locked down. I did not hear about it all until right before I left to pick K up. My friend C called me to tell me she would be late getting A from school because she was at Irvine High, picking up her other kids, and could I watch A until she got there. "Sure," I said, "What is going on?" Then she told me that all the schools in Northwood were on lockdown.

This was after I first heard about the Fort Hood shootings today. To say that I am emotional about this all is quite an understatement. I have already given K about 10 extra hugs today, and have been less stern with her, regarding her homework. I also allowed her a short playdate with P and L this afternoon. Life is too short to bash her to death with homework.

Not much better today

Now in addition to the stabbing pain, I am getting the flu-like body aches. I hope this is not the H1N1 flu, since the injectable vaccine is still not available here in Orange County.