Greetings from Master Planistan

Oops

2011-11-07T11:00:00.001-08:00

Forgot to blog yesterday. Actually it was a very busy Sunday. Spent most of the day at church. We had a Direct Service Fair after both morning sevices, some of the non-profits we are partnered with were there to sign people up for opportunities to give back.

After that, Matt and I cleaned up after communion, took down the All Saints Day banners, put up the regular banners, and took apart the candle set up we had done for All Saints Day. It was really cool to give people the opportunity to light candles for their deceased loved ones. And during that ritual, I was able to hold it together, but once it was over, I was in tears. Being intensely emotional and empathetic is really difficult sometimes.

We then had a very late lunch with friends and headed back to church for evening service.

Was completely exhausted by the time we got home.

Herb Garden

2011-11-05T15:59:00.001-07:00

Today, the Girl Scout troop had an outing to the Orange County Great Park for a gardening workshop. Our girls got to make a 3 herb potted garden (sage, thyme, and chives). We stayed afterward for a cooking with herbs demonstration. I was pretty impressed with the quality of the presentations, especially since the whole program was free. The girls enjoyed themselves and I think we all learned some new things.

I noticed, on the way to the workshop, that the San Bernardino Mountains have a gorgeous blanket of fresh snow on them. Will need to make a snow pilgrimmage soon.

I Got Nothin'

2011-11-04T20:26:00.001-07:00

I am feeling very down and depressed today. And K is fighting off a repiratory bug. Thus endeth today's blog post.

Contemplating Sisyphus

2011-11-03T09:47:00.001-07:00

In Greek mythology, Sisyphus, as punishment for his trickery, is sentenced to roll a giant stone up a hill and just as he got it to the top, it would roll back down again and he would have to start over again.

Matt's new job was a nightmare, and they actually laid him off yesterday. So now he is back at the bottom of the hill with the big rock. He is relieved. I am freaking. He has already arranged an interview for today, so maybe he will be re-employed quickly.

Arrrgh

2011-11-02T10:27:00.001-07:00

Just arrrgh. I am not loving life today.

NaBloWriMo 2011

2011-11-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

And thus I will undertake the Blog version of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). I am not all that creative when it comes to writing fiction, so I have not even entertained the idea of writing a novel.

I find it so much easier to write about real life. Gritty, rough, emotional, terrifying, wonderful, and full of beauty. Life has had more of the gritty/rough texture lately. Matt lost his job at a very large mult-national bank back in early September. He quickly was re-employed at the beginning of October, however, the job is terribly stressful and much lower paying than his previous job. He is very unhappy, and it affects us all. I worry about him, about his health, about his emotional state, and about his ability to handle the stress. Yes, things could be worse. There are always worse things in the world. But it would be complete denial to say that all is perfectly wonderful right now.

K started 5th Grade this year, and so far it has been kind of rough. She works so hard on her homework and then fails to turn it all in. I feel like we are both banging our heads against the wall, repeatedly. I do not know what else I can do. I know she wants to do well, but her brain chemistry (ADHD) puts up so many roadblocks. I am thinking it may be time to entertain the notion of medication, and I really need to think long and hard about it, what options there are, and how it will impact K and the rest of the family. But with our medical insurance up in the air, I am thinking now may not be the most optimal time to begin this process. UGH.

Right after K started school, I was waking up in the mornings with my left ankle hurting and stiff. The pain and stiffness would go away, so I thought it was arthritis. Until it swelled up one day, and I could not bear any weight on it. So I grabbed the crutches and got my rear end to the Urgent Care, and as it turns out, I stress fractured my ankle. I wish I could remember how I did it, because everyone loves an epic injury story. The fact is, I probably mildly sprained it just doing day-to-day life, and then continued to walk on it, until it broke. I was on crutches for a couple of weeks, and now am on a "walking boot". Let me tell you, that walking boot cost more than any three pairs of my shoes. OY! And it is sooooooo fashion forward.

There are consequences to this walking boot thing, I have to wear my hiking boot on my right foot to come close to how high the walking boot is on my left, and I am still off by about 1/2 inch, so my back is constantly tweaked, and the boot is heavy so my legs (especially my hips) are achy and sore all the time. Yes I am whining. I hate that I am whining, but I have to get it out.

I know life gets better, because life has been better. There is an ebb and flow to everything. I just hate being in the ebb part.

When the Walls Come Tumbling Down

2011-09-13T04:31:00.001-07:00

My husband's job with a large financial institution was eliminated last Thusday. To say that I am panicking is an undrrstatement. We have a good community to lean on for moral support, which I am exceedingly grateful for.

I realize that there is a process for handling the emotions. I hate how I feel and would really like to find some peace.

My Long Weekend at Camp

2011-08-08T04:25:00.000-07:00

Our Girl Scout troop (through the cookie money and some parental cash) earned a trip to our council's Girl Scout camp. The camp ran from Thursday night through Sunday morning. It was pretty amazing.

We all met up and began our drive in the mid-afternoon on Thursday, because with traffic it can take up to four hours to drive the ~100 miles to camp. We got within 25 miles of camp when the highway we needed to travel was closed in both directions due to a terrible car accident. When I say highway, I mean single lane each way podunk country highway. We got directions for a detour that in retrospect, we probably would have been better off avoiding and just waiting until they opened the road again. This detour took us around an hour and I estimate covered about an additional 40 miles. And until I got past halfway through the detour, Nigel (I named our GPS) kept telling me to make a u-turn every few minutes. There were also brush fires in the area, and our detour looked like it was heading right to the fire, until it veered off at the end. Nothing like the fear of getting lost added to the fear of being burned to a crisp. We finally got back to the original highway and made it to camp on time for evening program.

Friday morning we woke up and had breakfast, then headed to our first morning program area...Lake Play!!! They brought out kayaks and windsurf boards (without the sail) and the girls (and adults) could swim, kayak, or paddle the boards out onto the lake. I got my kayaking in for the year, since I was in the hospital for our troop's annual kayak event. From there we went on a hike to a rock formation that was used by the indigenous people of the area as a lookout and where the women ground their grain and acorns for food. There was a rock formation that people could scramble up without any equipment. Then it was time for lunch, which was served outdoors. After lunch we went to the stables for horseback riding and a bead craft. K rode a horse named Ponzo, who, according to K, really just wanted to graze the whole trail ride. I rode a horse named Omaha. Omaha was a dark chocolate brown horse with a black mane, and was a very gentle and patient animal. I had much difficulty mounting the horse and I had to get on the ramp, because I just do not have a lot of strength in my knees and hips. We went to the pool and swam after horseback riding, then ate dinner. Before dinner, our troop was assigned to be the color guard for the evening flag ceremony. K got to be the "caller", while our girls and some girls from another troop were the color guard and the 'singing bridge'. I am proud of our girls' respect and poise. Our troop opted out of evening program (choice between night swimming in lower camp - our cabins were in upper camp, and watching a movie in the dining hall). The girls played games in one cabin, while we adults hung out in the other cabin just chatting and laughing. There were two tarantulas in our camp that evening, and I got a couple of close up photos (that I will upload later). I have never seen a tarantula in nature before, only in cages. Later that evening, one of our girls had a moth fly into her ear (ewww) and would not come out, so I took her and another girl (for moral support) up to the health center where one of the camp staff (I am assuming she is an RN or LVN) was finally able to remove it. The moth was placed into a "lost tooth" box to be taken home to show her family. The same girl lost TWO baby teeth while we were at camp. Best camp story ever!

Saturday morning after breakfast we were scheduled for 'troop time/nature'. We opted in to the tour of the museum and papermaking craft, instead of staying up at the cabins. After that we were in the pool. They delivered our lunch to the pool for us to assemble. After that we were driven up to upper camp (because the hike to the rock climbing station would have taken up most of our time). The hike from upper camp to the rocks was robust (to put it mildly). I really should have stayed back and really almost did not make it all the way up there. Again, I did not try to climb (none of the adults did), but I truly bit off more than I could chew. From there we were rushed down to archery (back in lower camp - we were transported again) because we were over an hour late for that station. The girls each shot 2 quivers with 5 arrows each, then we needed to rush back up for dinner. After dinner we all headed back down to lower camp (!!!) for the campfire and skits. Our troop did the "Invisible Bench" skit. It was fun to watch all the skits and see the creativity.

This morning we had to pack up and leave (sad face). There was an optional pre-breakfast hike that our girls opted out of, so we took that time to have our girls pack their bags and roll up their sleeping bags. We had breakfast (our troop was assigned to be the "hoppers" for breakfast, as was another troop - the other troop showed up AFTER our troop had gotten the dining room all set up *grr*). After breakfast we had a closing ceremony, then a short "dance party" in the dining hall. Back to the cabins to load up, sweep out and clean BIFFs and go. The ride back was much easier without the detour.

I am very tired and yet unable to sleep.

So Excited

2011-07-06T23:08:00.000-07:00

I am so excited for the Girl Scout troop that I co-lead. Apparently there is a family visiting from out of the country that has two Girl Guides (Brownie and Junior level) that wants to meet with a troop, and our troop was asked to host them at our next meeting. OMGOMGOMGOMG! I LOVE this!

The plans for our next meeting are to meet at A's house (leader's house) and walk to Northwood Community Park to the War Memorial. This visit will complete the last requirement for the "United We Stand" badge. Then we will have a picnic dinner at the park. I think this is a wonderful meeting to have visitors from outside the US join us. I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, overly patriotic. However, I think our girls can learn from girls from another country, and they can learn from our girls. The sharing of ideas and experiences is always a good thing.

It also makes me happy that our troop is the one that was asked to host. I know it is partly because our troop is one of the very few troops that is active year-round. Most troops go on a summer hiatus. Not us!

Now THAT'S a First!

2011-07-04T23:15:00.000-07:00

We decided to go to our city's fireworks tonight. Parking is a pain, leaving is usually a pain, but we went anyway. About 3 minutes into the show, apparently a tree got set afire, and the show continued for about another 5 minutes before it was stopped permanently. At least 5 firetrucks, a few paramedics and the entire police force was dispatched to go all Barney Fife all over the place.

I hope no one was hurt, but it really was kind of funny in an overly ironic sort of way.

Milestones

2011-07-02T20:05:00.000-07:00

This coming Thursday it will be 24 years since I had my final radiation treatment. Twenty four years is probably about twenty years longer than I expected to be walking this beautiful Earth. Thinking back on that time in my life, I am struck by the paradox of how rapidly yet how slowly the events unfolded. It was too fast for my mind and emotions to process, yet dealing with all the side effects made it seem like it was taking forever.

I recently cut my long hair off because I was sick of the bad dye job in my hair, and was also sick of having to put it up to keep it off my neck. Quite frankly, long hair is a heat magnet, I live in a hot climate, I am menopausal and a walking hot flash, and I already am in possession of the world's most active perspiration glands without the long hair. So off it came. I had forgotten about the two different textures that my hair has. The hair that did not fall out during my radiation is thick, coarse and mostly straight with very slight wave. The hair in the area where I lost my hair is very curly (when it is short), finer in texture and also thick. Which makes styling my now short hair kind of an adventure. Hair gel is a gift from the universe, as it helps my two opposing hair types look like they actually belong on the same head. I also did not realize just how gray my hair has become, now that all of the dead dye job has been eliminated. I like my salt and pepper hair. I like it a lot!

By this time, 24 years ago, all I could eat was mashed potatoes and gravy, washed down with cans of Ensure. If you ever need to do liquid nutrition, I suggest avoiding the strawberry flavor of Ensure. It tastes like chemical ass. I am actually very surprised I can look a plate of mashed potatoes and gravy in the face, for as much as I was eating them back then. Some people, while going through chemo and/or radiation develop an aversion to whatever it is that they were able to keep down. That certainly is not true in my case. I still love mashed potatoes and gravy.

I also remember being told, before the last series of radiation treatments that I would probably be infertile, since my ovaries would be in the field of radiation. I am still laughing about that. I am also so very grateful that the doctors were 200% wrong about that (100% each for my two wonderful children).

I am often reminded of that time by the changes my body and mind has undergone. The scars on my neck from the original biopsy (not nearly as bad as they could have been because my Otolaryngologist had training in Plastic Surgery), my long abdominal scar (from stem to sternum), the 10 India Ink dots tattooed on my abdomen and back (to aid in lining up the lead blocks), and my very macabre sense of humor. Thank God for laughter, which got me through until I could really allow myself to cry. I know the grieving process after such traumatic events can be lifelong (because one can only take it in small doses at a time, and it is really hard to get your mind around when your body is utterly failing you like that). But the overwhelming theme in my life, especially after the cancer, is gratitude. Really striving to be and live gratitude for my life, my family, and my circumstances. Not always very successful. But practice gets me closer to perfection, especially with gratitude. I don't hate my scars anymore. I don't necessarily like them, but I have accepted them as part of me, and even sometimes as badges of honor for the battles I have fought. Every day I live is a gift from that hard won war.

Weird Stuff

2011-03-17T00:37:00.000-07:00

This has been kind of an eventful week. On Monday, we officially wrapped up the 2011 Girl Scout Cookie sale. Made the final bank deposit and wrote the check to council. We are done. Woohoo. K sold a total of 506 boxes of cookies and the troop total was 3276. We netted about $2,200 in profits. Very awesome.

I have started to have K walk to school in the morning. I walk with her because it is almost a mile from here to school and we have to cross a street (at a signal light) that has a 55 mph speed limit. So far so good, it is nice to have some time in the morning with K where there is not really any pressure (other than making sure we make it to school on time). I am not walking in the afternoon to get her, because it is already too warm in the afternoon for me to feel comfortable exercising. With gas being ~$4.00 a gallon, any way I can conserve is a good thing.

We had our Girl Scout meeting tonight, and it was K's and my turn to bring dinner. Our troop does dinner meetings, and there is a dinner rotation, each girl has an opportunity to be the "dinner hostess". K and I decided to do "walking tacos" for dinner this evening. Only we served them in bowls rather than the individual Fritos bags. What is a walking taco? I am so glad you asked. It is Fritos, taco meat, lettuce, diced tomatoes (we omitted the tomatoes for tonight), shredded cheese, and sour cream usually served in the Fritos bag with a fork or spoon. Dinner was a big hit, most of the girls came back for seconds!

Earlier today, I noticed that my right hand middle finger knuckle was kind of sore, like I had accidentally bashed it, but I had not hit it at all. No biggie, or so I thought. Later in the day (right before I was getting ready for the Girl Scout meeting, I noticed it had swelled up and turned red and started to look kind of "streaky". Definitely not a bruise at any rate. I decided that I was going to go to Urgent Care after the Girl Scout meeting to get it looked at.

Girl Scout meeting went well. Hustled on over to Urgent Care. Thankfully the wait was not long at all. A bit of background information is needed at this point. I have very low blood pressure, and run a borderline high pulse rate (to compensate for the low blood pressure). At most medical clinics, the Urgent Care we go to is no exception, the first person a patient interacts with is a certified medical assistant, basically has about 6-9 months of school. So they really do not understand the nuances of the low blood pressure/elevated pulse rate thing. No problem. The medical assistant took my pulse, then she took my blood pressure. She kind of grunted/sighed and said that she had to take my blood pressure again. I asked her if it was low and she said it was. I told her that I run low blood pressure and asked her if it was around 90/60. She looked shocked and said yes, that is what it was. She took it again and got about the same reading and she was shaking her head. Yes, I know, people with 90/60 blood pressure usually are dizzy, disoriented, and often faint. But I have had this low blood pressure since I had cancer. It is what it is and I live with it every day. And I know not to stand up too quickly or I WILL pass out. I even freak out a lot of doctors with this blood pressure anomaly. The upside is I can eat all the bacon I want!

Well, long story short, I have a cellulitis on my knuckle. I have been given Keflex to take 4 times a day for 10 days, and instructions to come back if it comes to a head, or if, in a couple of days, it has not gotten smaller and more centralized. I may have to have an x-ray to make sure it has not settled into the bone (ugh, don't even want to think about that). I have a free floating anxiety that it might be MRSA, and I really need to block Web MD from my computer. Hopefully the Keflex will be all I need to kill those nasty bacteria. I want to avoid the IV Vancomycin at all costs.

Bilateral Epidural --- L4/L5

2011-03-08T20:23:00.000-08:00

I suffer from chronic back pain. It is part of my daily existence. Most of the time I cope fairly well with it (as long as I don't try to overdo it), and have occasional flareups that are handled with the occasional muscle relaxer, or if needed a Vicodin. For this pain, I am under the care of a pain management physician, and have signed all sorts of contracts about not doctor shopping, and sticking with one pharmacy. I am cool with that. In fact I am grateful for that. To be quite honest, the Vicodin makes me itchy all over and I really don't enjoy it.

Every once in awhile, I have a flare up so bad that I can barely walk, and the spasms twist me up so badly that I cannot even stand up straight. I had one of those flare ups starting in winter of 2009-2010. Went for the requisite MRI, tried several different medication regimens, etc. which led up to having bilateral Facet Joint Cortisone injections into the L4/L5 and L5/S1 joints. Relief from the Facet Joint injections? Not so much.

In the past, probably about 11 years ago, I'd had the epidural injections into the L5/S1 space and they were very successful. I had three done in the space of 6 weeks, and they were so successful I did not need to have them for almost 10 years. Since the facet joint thing did not work, my doctor decided to try the epidural injection. I had the epidural last May and got almost instant relief. It did not hurt, I felt no pressure when it was going in, but did get much comfort from it.

Fast forward to today. Starting about 6 weeks ago, I felt like my back pain was starting its downhill path to being back to where I was a little over a year ago. I had an appointment already scheduled with the Pain Czar so I decided I could wait. Saw him last week and told him I felt like things were starting to get more painful. So we scheduled another epidural. This morning I went in, and ooooooh doggies did it ever hurt this time. The only thing different that I can think of is the fact that I started on Neurontin last week after my appointment. At one point I practically came off the table from the pressure going down my leg. Not nearly as bad as the time I had a bone marrow biopsy, but whoa.

I have been taking it really easy all afternoon (and now evening). Hoping that I feel better tomorrow. Also hoping that because this one was so painful that I will get even better relief from it. Here's hoping...

Ugh

2011-02-10T23:42:00.000-08:00

Not a banner day in the neighborhood here. Not saying that everything turned out bad today, in fact there were a lot of positives today, but stuff just seems to be weighing heavily on me today.

K, due to illness, has missed 10 days of school since the beginning of January. Unlike a lot of parents, I refuse to send her to school when she is sick, because she would end up getting sicker, and then bring it home and infect me, with my compromised immunity, and I would end up being down for six weeks. This is the reality of being a lymphoma survivor, catch every damned thing that goes around, and be sick much longer than everyone else when I do get sick.

Well today K came home from school, and in her folder was a math test that she had taken today. She had only gotten 4 problems out of 3o done. ADHD strikes again. Apparently the kids at her "table" were talking a lot and she was distracted by that. The whole table set up, while good for group projects, is not really good for taking tests, and doing one's own work. What the heck is wrong with setting the kids up in rows like they did when we were kids?

I signed the test paper and made K complete it this afternoon. That part was really no big deal. The big deal for me right now is K's teacher. It is a well known fact that both 4th grade teachers at K's school are less than desirable. Neither of them would win any awards for communication, and they are both so standoffiish with the parents that one could make the argument that both are stuck-up b-words.

There were two things that were in K's "communication" folder that have me furious. The first one is the assignment handout for the book reports. I read through the packet, and it is unclear whether she has to read two books or four books to do the reports, because she has to do two oral presentations and two written reports, but because the due dates on these reports are each like 3 weeks apart, I am unsure whether it is two or four books. Plus the handout was not spell checked, and basic proofreading was completely neglected. Is our children learning?

The second thing that was in the folder (and this is what I am most livid about), was a "progress report". Progress reports (mid term) are only sent home when there are "issues". Included in the report are what the students current grades for each subject are thus far in the term. So far this term K has all As and Bs. But there was a note on the report about her "falling behind" because of her attendance. I understand that there are things she missed because she was not in class, however, I am also very open to getting her caught up at home, and have stated that to the teacher emphatically earlier this year when she missed due to illness. And quite frankly, as earlier stated, I am not a parent that will send my kids to school when they are sick. And K had strep throat and her absence could NOT be helped. So I signed the damned report and wrote a note stating that if there was something she was not up to speed on, that Mrs. K should send it home so I can catch K up. I know I am being a thorny bitch about it, but I think the progress report, when K is getting all As and Bs is way out of line. Mrs. K is a condescending and pompous ass, in my opinion, and I can hardly wait to be done with her. She should have retired 10 years ago, and I am unimpressed with her attitude that things should run for her convenience and not the students. I really wish I could give her a piece of my mind without fear of negative consequences raining down on K. I can't. And I am getting tired of clamping down on my normally outspoken tongue. So I am blogging about it instead.

Rain - Our Crops Are Saved

2010-12-22T12:58:00.000-08:00

We have had steady rain here for 7 days straight. There is a storm system just off shore and wave after wave of heavy torrential rains have been falling, and we have accumulated an estimated 9-14 inches since last Thursday. Today is Wednesday and we are supposed to have the worst of this storm today. I have literally never seen anything quite like this, and have been on the verge of a panic attack for two days.

Downtown Laguna Beach is closed due to flooding and mud. The Ortega Highway is closed due to mudslide. Trabuco Canyon Road is closed due to mud. Silverado Canyon has been evacuated, due to mudslide. The airport in Corona is completely flooded. It is advised to pretty much stay away from the canyons and foothills. Highway 241 is closed at Highway 73 for flooding. Some homes in San Juan Capistrano have been evacuated due to mud and rock slide. And this is just in Orange County.

Thankfully we are in the flatland of Irvine, and other than the streets flooding over, we have had no real impact here. But I start to panic whenever I have to get in the car and drive in this. Californians are notoriously bad rainy day drivers, and while I am confident in my own abilities to drive in any type of weather condition (and I know when NOT to get behind the wheel), I am not even a little confident in the ability of others to NOT HIT ME. Last Friday, I was getting on an entrance ramp to the 55, and the pickup truck in front of me spun out and almost took me with her. My heart still pounds when I think about that.

Under normal circumstances, I enjoy the rain, because it happens so rarely here. But this year has had more precipitation than usual, and the ground is so over saturated that there is standing water everywhere. And the storm drains are totally inadequate to handle the deluge.

I know, in my head, I have little to worry about, but my gut has been churning for days, and I finally broke down and cried today over the stress that I am causing myself. I really need to think about something else, but I am not sure I can get the committee in my head to change subjects right now.

Vigil

2010-10-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

Last night, we went to the candlelight vigil for the children who committed suicide as a result of anti-gay bullying. It is so sad, that they gave up and saw no other way.

I remember the bullying I received in school because I was tall, skinny, and a "little different". It was painful. I managed to survive a suicide attempt as well. At the time, I told myself that I sucked so bad that I could not even kill myself right.

I know this post is kind of bouncing all over the place, but I still have difficulty facing the pain of that era in my life head on. I am not sure if I will ever be able to.

We had a conversation with K about bullying. I asked her if she had seen any bullying at school, and she said that she had not. We told her that if she ever did, that she should stand up and say something, and if that did not work to stop it, that she should find an adult to deal with it. I wish more people would stand up against bullying when they see it. I wish that Mr. Wolf would have done something about the boy who repeatedly punched me in the back of the head in high school. I know he saw what was happening, but because Mr. Wolf thought I was a reprobate, he did nothing.

For all who are bullied, and are feeling worthless. You are not worthless. You have value, you are beautiful. Don't give up. It really does get better.

Better Mood Today

2010-10-01T10:19:00.001-07:00

Probably because it is Friday, and K will not have to do 56 hours of homework tonight. Have I mentioned that IUSD is really big on overloading the poor kids with hours of busy work. Most of the homework is just plain makework to "prepare them for the NCLB" testing and does not teach anything besides how to be a dutiful future paper pusher. In my humble opinion, this is not education.

OK, rant over. Last night, I had to kick myself in the hiney to get myself to choir practice, it is not that I did not want to be there, I just did not want to leave the house. Yes, I am in kind of an agoraphobic funk right now. I am so glad I forced myself to go. It was truly what my psyche needed.

After choir practice, one of my friends called me to tell me to turn on Project Runway, because it was a really good episode, and I am so glad I did. I am not going to spoil too much of it, except to say that I loved the fabric that Mondo designed (and his inspiration for it) and that if I were like 15 pounds lighter, I would SO rock the pants he designed. I get tears in my eyes still thinking about it. After Project Runway was over, I called my friend back and we had a really cool talk about the show and about life in general. We talked about our sadness over the rash of young people committing suicide lately, and while we did not solve the world's problems, we did get to share what was on our minds and hearts. I love that!

This week has been fairly difficult. Monday it was 110 degrees outside and the rest of the week it was in the 90s and kind of humid. I have asthma symptoms when the weather gets like this. But I am glad to see the heatwave break, and as a bonus we had drizzle and lightning last night as well as thunder this morning. I LOVE thunderstorms.

Happy Friday everyone! Hope you all have a fun and restful weekend.

No, darling snowflake, your backpack CAN'T ride in the car with you!

2010-09-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

For anyone who has been reading this blog regularly, you already know that I consider K's school parking lot the swirling vortex of suck. We all take turns driving like idiots, and on some days, EVERYONE drives like an idiot. There are two "lanes" going through the parking lot. The right lane is the "drop off lane", should be self explanatory, the operative words are "should be". The left lane is the thru traffic and parking lane (the left lane has access to the parking spaces). Not rocket science, but you really would not know it by how people behave. It really is a most special place.

But there is an affliction that has affected fully 1/3 to 1/2 of the parents dropping their kids off at school. I will call this affliction "No Backpacks Allowed in the Car" or NBAC. For those afflicted, all backpacks are put in the trunk (or in the rear hatch for wagons and SUVs), requiring mom or dad to put the car in park, get OUT of said car to walk to the trunk/hatch, get out the backpack(s), and walk around to the OTHER SIDE of the car and hand the backpack(s) to their child(ren). This is in the "drop off and keep moving" lane. It is not like this parking lot is huge by any stretch of the imagination, but the NBAC people can seriously add 5-10 minutes to the morning drop off time, and it is completely unnecessary. Seriously. WTF.

Air Travel

2010-07-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

Air travel has been a royal pain in the buttocks since even before September 11th, 2001. But now it is seriously jacked up.

I have an artificial hip, a steel plate and a bunch of screws in my pelvis. So I set off the metal detectors even before 9/11. Now, because of all my "hardware", I feel like I have to get to the airport insanely early because I am afraid I will be pulled off into a room and strip searched.

When we arrived at John Wayne Airport and went through security, I managed to be screened by a female guard who took her job WAAAAY to seriously. She asked me several times whether I wanted to have a private screening. Every time she was about to frisk me she asked me if I wanted a private screening. I almost replied, "No, do you?" Our flight out was otherwise uneventful.

Our trip back was a little bit more interesting. We had a stop in Salt Lake City. We looked before we left for the Minneapolis airport to see if our flight was going to be on time and it was delayed. No big deal, we had a 2:15 layover. We watched the movie "Bolt" before we left for the airport.

At the Minneapolis airport, I took a picture of the Snoopy statue and the doorway into the Senator Larry Craig Restroom Tap Dancing Studio - Home of the Wide Stance. Our plane was delayed for a very long time. Long enough that when we took off, we knew that our over 2 hour layover was pretty much gone. We landed 5 minutes before our connecting flight was going to take off. Woohoo.

Because it sounded like we may still be able to make the connection, we got off the plane as fast as we could and ran our behinds off (ala OJ Simpson) from the end of one terminal to about midway into one of the other terminals. They had not shut the door yet, but they informed us that we had been booked onto a flight into LAX.

Um....NO!

Then they tried to rig it so we could get on our original flight, but the seats had just been booked that were left. They got us on the next flight to John Wayne in first class (YES!!!!!) and gave us each a $6 voucher for food in the airport for our trouble. I am still very very very very sore from running with all of our possessions through two terminals. It was a blessed miracle to have the first class seats with legroom after that ordeal.

Our friend met us at the airport and drove us home. We got our stuff in the house, and I literally fell into bed and slept for 11 hours. The house was hot because we had been gone and the AC was not on, but it was good to be able to rest after the stress of dealing with Delta Airlines' issues.

LAX, REALLY!!!!? Hell to the NO! Especially after the extra airfare paid for booking to and from SNA.

Home

2010-07-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

We came home to Minnesota this past week. While much had changed, the visit cemented in me how much I really miss it here.

We got our big thunderstorm tonight, complete with lightning and thunder (and tornado warnings in neighboring counties). Have I mentioned that I like thunderstorms? It was cool seeing the lightning in the sky as we were driving this evening.

We got into town on Monday (the 12th) evening. Went directly to Culvers! Yummmmmmm. They really need to open a Culvers in Orange County. I mean really, we ARE getting a BW3 (Buffalo Wild Wings). Monday we pretty much just chilled at my parents' house.

Tuesday, we went to see "Despicable Me" in 3D. Fun movie. I want minions! Then we went to Target, so K could do some shopping (Grandma and Grandpa gave her a gift card!). K wanted to have Juicy Lucys for her early birthday celebration so we went to the 5-8 Club. Again... YUMMMMMMMMM.

Wednesday, for most of the day, we just hung out at my mom's house, because S broke his leg and needs surgery, and is not getting around very well, and my dad was gone for most of the day. Later we took K shopping for shoes, because there is no sales tax on shoes or clothes in Minnesota. She got two pairs of shoes for $27.98. Not bad at all. Then we left K with my parents and went out to dinner with four of my friends at The Chatterbox in Powderhorn Park. We later went to Bob's Java Hut and watched the people on Lyndale Ave. Good times!

Thursday we took it easy until we left for Target Field. My photos of Target Field will be uploaded when we get home. Target Field is a beautiful ballpark. They really did a great job with the details. The Twins were hosting the White Sox (which is always a fun series because of the rivalry). Although the Twins lost 8-7, it was a fun game to watch.

Friday evening, we went to a barbecue at my husband's best friend's house in Monticello. It was so wonderful to hang out and see everyone after several years. Tonight we went to a party celebrating two people's long-term recovery and I saw people I had not seen in probably 15 years. We also went to a reunion of the Minnesota Maulers football team and it was fun to see the guys who played football with my husband again. It was kind of weird that I was the only spouse there, but oh well.

We go back tomorrow morning (Sunday). I am really sad to leave. But glad that I got to see so many people that I have not seen in so long. It was really a good trip.

Another Anniversary

2010-07-06T12:31:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, July 7, is the 23rd anniversary of my final radiation treatment. While the first series of treatments covered more area of my body, I have to say the second series was far worse as far as the side effects went.

The area exposed in the second series was about a 4" x 10" rectangle along my abdominal midline below my diaphragm. This is when I stopped eating completely. While I was not eating much when I had the mantle (neck, and entire thorax) radiation, because food was too dry to go down, when I had the abdominal radiation, food came back up too readily. To this day, I cannot even fathom wanting to ingest a liquid protein shake. I get nauseous just thinking about it.

My treatments would have ended a week earlier, but my maternal grandpa died and with my doctor's okay, I went to spend a week in Milwaukee with my family. I did not know at the time that it was going to be the last time I saw my cousin, Gary.

At that time, Gary, unbeknownst to anyone but his parents, had just been diagnosed with HIV. Apparently, Hodgkins Lymphoma has some very similar symptoms to full-blown AIDS. And Gary, bless his heart, was asking me some rather pointed questions about what I was going through. I was confused as hell as to why Gary was asking me these gruesome questions, especially since Gary had a delicate sensibility. Yes, Gary was gay. But I have known straight men that had just as delicate a personality so let's just leave the stereotypes alone. Anyhow, at one point during our conversation (and I still kick myself mercilessly over this) Gary told me that he dreamed of meeting a nice woman, settling down, getting married, and having children. I wish I had told him to cut the bullshit, that I knew he was gay, that I loved him for who and what he was, and that if he wanted to marry a man and settle down, I would have nothing but blessing for him. I just did not have the guts at that time to say what needed to be said.

Gary died in the summer of 1990, when I was pregnant with my son. He did not allow his parents to tell anyone until a few days before he died. I did get to talk on the phone with him before he passed, and I told him I loved him, and that I wish I had known sooner, because I would have wanted to do something, anything, for him.

His death changed some things in his immediate family. Both of his parents got involved in AIDS related charities in Milwaukee. One of the things my aunt (Gary's mom) did, while I was sick, was send me these anonymous notes and little gifts (all containing Hershey Kisses), throughout all of my treatments. We were all trying to figure out who was sending the stuff the whole time. The last little gift came the day of my final treatment, when she revealed that it was she that was sending these things. I know people think I am so strong, but really I am not. She may never know how much the anonymous little notes and gifts helped me get through that time. One of the things she does with the AIDS hospice now, is send the little anonymous notes and gifts to various patients there. My aunt and uncle have served as the Grand Marshals of the Milwaukee Gay Pride parade. My aunt also made a quilt panel to memorialize Gary's life. Here is a photo of his little section:

I still cry when I think of him.

Swim Meet

2010-06-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

K had her first swim meet of the season today. It was at a pool that we had never been to before, so we attempted to get there early. Thankfully our friends A and S had gotten there and saved us a spot for our canopy next to theirs.

Because it was the first meet this year, the procedures seemed to start off a little rusty (all around - not just the host team). Thankfully the rust was shaken off quickly and we were home after the meet before 1:30 PM.

K swam in the mixed medley relay as the backstroke leg, the butterfly, freestyle, and the mixed freestyle relay. She turned in personal best scores in both of her individual races. Not bad for having been out late last night. In fact, last night, the nerves got the best of her and she was nauseous for much of the evening. Thank goodness she got over that and was able to swim this morning.

I am on the ribbon writing committee for the team, so our family pretty much has our volunteer commitment covered for the season. At one point, the co-president of the team came into our canopy to ask for help at the scoring table. S (who shared our canopy) was unable to go help, so I did. My job for the team has now changed to card sorter and Heat Winner ribbon writer. K and S (the people inputting the times into the computer) had gotten behind, as K, who was trying to log both the Heat Winners and the DQs (disqualifications), before the cards were input by S. I got over there, and was able to get to work on the HW stuff, and in no time we were running smoothly. So the co-pres asked me if I would do that job for the rest of the season. I work so well with K and S, so I said I would. Even though it is quite a longer time commitment (basically the entire meet). I love working with people who are easy to work with. It makes things so much more pleasant.

Summer

2010-06-24T20:36:00.000-07:00

My goal for this summer is to get more organized. I am starting with the garage. The garage has gotten to such a state that we can only park one car inside. This needs to change. I figure if I work on it for a couple of hours a day, I should have things back to being manageable in about a week or two.

I would work longer, but between the heat, and my back pain, I really can't overdo it.

So far, the weirdest thing I have found in the garage is a dog leash. What makes that weird is that I have not owned a dog in my entire adult life. Not sure where the leash came from, but it is going to the Goodwill drop box, since we have no need for a dog leash.

I will be making a run tomorrow to the Goodwill dropbox, with about a trunkload of various items we have no need for. May as well offer them up for reuse.

One bad thing, somehow a bottle of Murphy's Oil Soap exploded on the garage floor, and I almost fell on my ample arse when I slipped on it today. I am not sure if there is a more slippery substance than Murphy's Oil Soap. Not sure if I want to find that out either.

Photos of Plants from the Campout

2010-06-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

Not going to do a whole lot of text here, just going to let the photos speak for themselves.

Game Show

2010-06-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday K and I went (with a bunch of people from K's school) to be in the studio audience for a taping of a new game show to be debuting on the brand new Hub Network (a collaboration between Hasbro and Discovery) in October. It was a fundraiser for the PTA, the 15 people who went, earned almost $300 for the PTA.

The show is called "Pictureka!" and is based upon the popular board game bearing the same name. K happens to have both the "Pictureka!" game and the "Pictureka Kubes" game. They are both fun and fast paced games, based upon finding items hidden in the pictures. With my vision, I am at a distinct disadvantage in playing the game, but it is still a lot of fun.

I have been to tapings of other shows before, most recently, a taping of The Price Is Right. To say that the producers of "Pictureka!" have yet to work the bugs out of the production would be a vast understatement. We got there about 2:00 PM and were there for the taping of 2 1/2 episodes. The episodes are 1/2 hour (probably more like 22 minutes) in length, and we did not end up leaving until 7:45 PM. In most cases, having been to tapings before, a half hour show normally would take about 75 to 90 minutes to get through. So for the episodes we taped, the max should have been about 3 to 3 1/2 hours. Not 5:45. Yikes.

Most of the staff were young kids in their twenties, which was kind of funny. When it was time to distribute snacks, water, etc. their lack of inexperience in dealing with large groups of people, especially children was very apparent. Handing stuff out one at a time does not work in such situations. Finally one woman who was with a group from Compton Parks and Recreation got up and loaded up on stuff and helped the 'kids' get it all doled out. It was pretty comical.

Of course, we could not have our cellphones in the studio, so there was no way of contacting anyone outside to let them know we would be running later than planned. UGH.

For awhile, I was seated next to a guy who was a 'paid audience member'. I found that phenomenon to be rather interesting. I would seriously consider doing the paid audience gig, if I lived a lot closer to the television studios in L.A. J. was an interesting guy. Very funny and snarky. They had the children sitting in the center section, separate from the adults, as this is a show aimed to kids from 7-14.

K and I did have a good time, in spite of how disorganized the production was. And as a bonus, I was able to take a photo of K with the Hollywood sign in the background on my cellphone.

Camping

2010-06-13T17:48:00.001-07:00

We went camping with K's Girl Scout troop this weekend. There were camp songs, camp fires, silly skits, a wonderful Bridging ceremony (our girls bridged from Brownie Girl Scouts to Junior Girl Scouts). We went on a robust hike. Had numerous runs to the BIFFY, encountered Poison Oak on the hiking trail. Thankfully nobody got the rash from it.

We really packed a lot into the camp out. All the girls learned how to light a one-match fire, cook over a propane camp stove, cook over a charcoal grill, and of course they made S'mores over the camp fire.

All in all we had a great time. Our weather was really nice (not too hot - got pretty cold at night though). The only two casualties for our family were the broken air pump for the air mattresses and the broken pole for the rainfly on our tent. Not bad, not bad at all.

Overall, our girls were well behaved, and I think they all learned a lot. I would even venture to say that our girls were better behaved than the Boy Scout troop that was in one of the other group campsites.

As soon as I find my camera, I will post photos of the various plant life we encountered on the trip. Such rugged beauty.

I know I will sleep well tonight. Especially since, near our campsite, was the home of a rooster that was seriously in need of some re-calibration. The darn thing was crowing all night long.

Milestones

2010-06-10T07:01:00.000-07:00

The Brownie troop had its final meeting (as a Brownie troop) last night. On Friday, at our family camp out, our girls will bridge to Junior Girl Scouts. I am so proud of our girls, and what they have accomplished as Brownies. Seems like only yesterday, they were Daisy Scouts, and now they are on the verge of the next level.

Our girls (most of them, anyway) have gone through the splitting of troops because of differences in opinion between adults. I think sometimes we all lose sight of what this is all about. This is about the girls, their healthy development, and challenging them to do their best and become strong and confident young women. It is not about being a glorified play date, tea party, or an avenue for the leader to feed her own needs for public approval. As a co-leader, I strive to keep the girls' best interests in mind. And thankfully, our troop's leader has the same philosophy regarding the troop as I do. She is really an incredible woman.

I wanted to leisurely spend the week preparing for the camp out, but due to some other circumstances, I am going to only have today to prepare. Oh well.

Without Kids, Life Would Be Far Less Interesting

2010-06-02T16:34:00.000-07:00

I would have never mistaken a glue stick for a lip balm, like I did today, if I were not a mom. Because I would not have glue sticks in the house if I were not a mom.

I would have never helped K make a playdough porcupine.

I would have never helped S make a pinewood derby car festooned with Green Bay Packer stickers and colors, even though I am a Vikings fan, if I were not a mom.

I would have never bought Barney dinosaur and Dora the Explorer videos if I were not a mom.

I would not find myself spending countless hours on a pool deck, or at various baseball tournaments, softball, soccer, basketball, and football games if I were not a mom.

Glue stick not withstanding, I am so glad I am a mom.

Spasms

2010-05-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

I am having both the spasms and the pain tonight. I had the Brownie meeting this evening, so I had to go without the meds, because I have to be able to be clear, present and to be able to drive home. Now that I am home, I decided to skip the Baclofen and take the Soma, along with the Vicodin. I really hate this. I would love to be able to go a couple of weeks without my back screaming at me. I really would.

I am grateful that I had four days last week without pain. It was truly luxurious.

Baclofen Day 2

2010-05-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

Tonight is the second night with the Baclofen. So far I am a wee bit less than amused. While it is doing what it is supposed to with regard to the back spasms, it has made me rather listless and flat. I will have to scour the side effects to see if flat affect is listed. The house could be burning down and the Baclofen makes me feel like I just don't care. NOT. GOOD.

I will give it probably two more days, before I go back to taking the Soma. At least on the Soma, I am not flat. I am not used to having no emotions at all. I might as well be a freaking robot the way this drug is affecting me. Yuck. I mean really, I cannot even generate very much outrage over how British Petroleum wants to stick the US taxpayers with the bill for cleaning up their mess in the Gulf of Mexico. Normally I would be livid about stuff like that, and right now all I can muster is a "Meh." This is so not like me at all.

Jacob's Ladder

2010-05-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

We are climbing Jacob's Ladder
We are climbing Jacob's Ladder
We are climbing Jacob's Ladder
Soldiers of the cross

Went to see Dr. C. (pain management specialist). I have gotten a lot more relief from the epidural cortisone injection than I did when I had the facet joint cortisone injections. He is puzzled by this, since he thought the MRI ruled out any nerve involvement with my back pain and spasms. And since I do not have sciatica, and haven't since I had the surgery in 1992, the epidural really should not have done squat.

I asked him today about the spinal chord stimulation. He said he thought I would not be an optimum candidate for it, because I do not have the sciatica. But he also said he would keep my file with him and ask a couple of his colleagues what they thought.

Now that I am to the point that the slightest wrong move does not send me into excruciating pain and soul crushing muscle spasms, I will be starting physical therapy to strengthen my core muscles and stretch my back muscles.

Here is where the climbing Jacob's Ladder thing comes in. We have worked from relatively mild anti spasm medications (Flexeril), to medium (Skelaxin), to strong (Soma). We have now left Soma behind and have moved up to Baclofen. He is starting me on a really low dosage, and probably will bump it up later as I am able to tolerate it. Quite frankly, after taking my first dose a few hours ago, I am thinking I may go back down to the Soma. The half tablet I took today has sucked the life right out of me. I feel listless and like I have been dragged behind a truck for 5 miles. There is no way I can function like this, and will likely only be able to take the Baclofen at night. Of course, I can only take the Soma at night as well, because of the drowsiness and lightheadedness. UGH. I am wondering if the Baclofen is something I will get used to so I don't feel like this every time I take it. If not, the next stop up the ladder is Neurontin.

I also had the "You know, doctor, you have me on some heavy duty drugs...and I worry about dependence" talk with him. Having been prescribed the various muscle relaxers and having the standing Vicodin ES prescription, there is cause for some concern. Ultimately, only I know whether I am taking the meds inappropriately or not (I have not taken them inappropriately so far, but the potential is strongly there, and I am at least aware of it). But for me, it added a measure of safety for me to be able to have this conversation with him. Dr. C. reassured me that I was not using the meds excessively and that he would not refill them if he thought I was.

Dr. C. seems to think that some of my problems are related to the buildup of scar tissue around the laminectomy site. That and the osteoarthritis of the facet joints are probably the crux of my issues. And sadly, there may not be a permanent fix for it. He said, at my last visit, that although there is some compression of the discs, that lumbar compression was not the major thing causing my pain and spasms. This may be as good as it gets. And that makes me kind of sad.

The Nightmare is Over

2010-05-21T14:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it really was not a nightmare. We finally got in to see the Pediatric Orthopod today. Sunday night, when they were splinting K, I asked if it was a radius fracture. The tech said, "No, she fractured her ulna." which did not make sense to me but, so be it, she and the ER doc (who I only saw on the way in) are the professionals.

She did fracture her radius and not her ulna. Her fracture is diagonal and right into the growth plate, which, in a weird way, is a good thing. Because it is near the growth plate, it is likely to heal faster. But needs to be watched closely.

I paid the extra $40 for K to have a waterproof cast, since swim team starts soon and I at least want her to go to practice. Plus, my back cannot take the stress of giving her a bath, I will have to help her, but at least I don't have to hold her arm up while she rinses her hair, etc.

Her cast is pink. Above is a picture with her identifying features blocked. We have an appointment for a recheck next Thursday.

My Head is in Orbit

2010-05-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

Would anyone who finds my head whenever it lands, please kindly send it back to me? I may need it again.

Yesterday morning, I called the CHOC Orthopaedic office and was informed that they would do a review board and get back to me to schedule an appointment. Well they called and got our voicemail (when I told them specifically to call my cell). K's appointment is scheduled for June 8 (!!!!!!!!!).

Um, today is May 18, are they trying to tell me they can't get her in to put a cast on for THREE EFFING WEEKS???? Are they really THAT busy?????

So, as calmly as I could, I called them back. (Maybe it was better that they called the home phoneline...) I told the person on the other end that K has a TEMPORARY SPLINT, and that she needs a permanent cast and a note from doctor with her restrictions before I can send her back to school. And June 8 is the first available appointment????

She told me that, yes indeed, they could not see her before June 8. I told her that was unacceptable. I also told her that I might as well take K out of school for the rest of the school year if we cannot get in until June 8. She then looked into the records and said, "Oh wait, you have a PPO, let me give you our 'Private Office' number. Make sure you tell them you have a PPO or they will hang up on you."

So I called the private office number, and K has an appointment for this coming Friday (May 21st ). Now why did we not get this 'Private Office' number when we left the ER? The ER knew we have a PPO and not an HMO. Perhaps if I had been able to call the 'Private Office' in the first place, K may not have had to miss an entire week of school. Best Health Care in the world.

I was respectful and did call the first office to cancel my appointment.

Now if you excuse me, I am going to go outside and look up to see if my head is ready to land.

Night in the ER

2010-05-17T10:39:00.000-07:00

My husband took K out late yesterday afternoon to the park. She fell out of a tree while she was climbing it and injured her wrist. No big deal, it was not swelling up too much and I figured if I gave her some Tylenol and iced it, things would be fine. About 3 hours after she injured it, she was still in excruciating pain, still not a lot of swelling, but the pain was pretty bad. We decided to head to CHOC. At first I thought I may have been overreacting, but since Urgent Care was closed, we kind of had to go to the ER.

We arrived about 9:30 PM. After about an hour in the waiting room, we were brought back to another waiting room. Saw a doctor really quickly, then waited for x-rays. After the x-rays were taken, we waited awhile, then a nurse put a splint on K, told us she had a hairline fracture on her ulna near her wrist and gave us the number to the CHOC orthopaedic clinic.

Called them first thing this morning, and was told that I have to wait until the "review board" looks over her files, before they will give us an appointment. WTH??? So I am waiting for them to call me. In the meantime, her splint is a temporary one, she is desperately in need of a bath, and we are not allowed to get the splint wet. GREAT. It was a very small consolation that "fractures get priority" with the review board. It could still be tomorrow before I hear from them. *sigh*

Tattoos

2010-05-16T17:36:00.001-07:00

This post is brought to you by a discussion that occurred on Facebook amongst some of my friends. The question posed on one of my friend's status updates was "Do you have any tattoos, if so, what and where?".

I got my first tattoo when I was 22. She is a unicorn's head on my left shoulder. At this point she is really faded and at the very least, could use a color touch up, but things like bills and food tend to take precedence over tattoos. Responsibility. Bleh.

We are going to go back in the wayback machine and revisit my radiation treatment era for the next ten tattoos. I have ten India Ink dots tattooed on my chest, abdomen, shoulders, and back. These tattoos were done for two reasons, first being the necessity of properly aligning the lead blocks that protected my lungs, heart, and thyroid from excess radiation while they were blasting the shit out of the tumors in my lymph system. The second reason for the tattoos is they are a physical record of me having had radiation treatments and are there to tell medical professionals and practitioners that I have undergone radiation, when and if I can't tell them myself. This protects me from unnecessary exposure to x-rays and other radiation.

Yes, I have had x-rays, CT scans and other nuclear medicine diagnostics since 1987, sometimes they are necessary. They do try to protect me from unnecessary exposure, as I have had quite a dose of radiation way back then.

I remember when they first placed the dots, and all the times that they drew the gridmarks on me in permanent marker. This part of the post is probably going to be a little "squicky". I got really ookey vibes (as in "sexual predator") from one of the radiation therapy techs when I first started to have my treatments. It was not anything I could really wrap my hands around, but more of a gut feeling. My sense was, during the "drawing days" (the days they drew all the gridmarks all over my chest and back), that he was deriving some sort of sick pleasure from drawing all this stuff on my body. It was really humiliating. What made it worse was being told by the radiologist not to wash any of it off for two or three days at a time, because they were trying to make sure everything was lining up properly. I wore a lot of turtlenecks and high necked t-shirts in those days because I was embarrassed about the graffiti on my body. I will be forever grateful to M for helping me to still feel beautiful and loved while all of this was going on. He ignored the writing on my body because he wanted to be with me, and although we went our separate ways romantically, we have remained close friends to this day.

Radiation therapy for Hodgkins Lymphoma, at least back in those days, was a daily thing, Monday through Friday. I had two cycles of treatments. The first cycle was, if I recall correctly, somewhere between 6 and 8 weeks in length. During the first cycle of treatments, a rectangular area from my chin down to the bottom of my rib cage and including my entire chest was exposed. I had an entire month off between the two cycles of treatments. Midway through the first cycle of treatments, I noticed that the tech that made me really uncomfortable was gone. I never said anything, more because I had no concrete evidence than anything else, but I am guessing someone did have evidence and did say something.

The side effects of the first cycle of treatments were brutal. I was fitted by an oncological dentist, for trays, so I could give myself daily fluoride treatments, because my saliva glands were knocked out by the rads. As a consequence, there were things I could not eat, because they were too dry and since my mouth was dry as well, I had difficulty swallowing. This was when the mashed potato and gravy diet started. If I went out to eat, the restaurant had to have mashed potatoes and gravy, because I could at least swallow that. I started drinking Ensure® to get the actual nutrition I was missing because I could not eat. I lost weight (not that I had a whole lot to lose, because I was tall and skinny to begin with). I had ugly purple radiation burns on my neck and chest, in addition to the permanent marker graffiti. My hair fell out in all the areas exposed to the rads. On the back of my head, from the notch in my skull down, was bald. Silver lining - I did not have to shave my underams for months! The worst thing about this phase (even worse than losing part of my hair) was the fatigue. I slept for 12-18 hours a day. I would have slept for 24 hours a day if I could, because I was THAT tired. I could not predict, from day to day, what my energy level would be like. It was really frustrating. People would ask me, "Do you want to do such and such next Saturday?" and I would have to respond with, "I don't know, I can't plan that far ahead. Can you call me next Saturday, so I can see how I am feeling then?" The people closest to me totally understood, but it still hurt, that some people dropped out of my life because I could not make commitments in advance.

The second cycle was a little shorter in duration and exposed only a rectangular area of about 6" X 12" along my abdominal midline (to zap the lymphnodes in my abdomen along the aorta). I found the side effects of this cycle to be worse. Add nausea and vomiting to the mix of the above symptoms. It was at this time that I also went on antidepressants and serious antinausea medications. I was not suicidal, I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. I was tired. I was sick. I was battle weary. And I just wanted it to be over, to feel better, and to live a normal life of a young woman. And it just was not happening. Cancer has a way of taking 'normal' away, forever. I sometimes still grieve the loss of normalcy.

The running joke, for years, about my little India Ink tattoos is that someday there will be an epic game of "Connect the Dots" played on my body. My friend, who had the Facebook status, told me I should tell people it is a constellation. I like that idea a lot.

Spinal Chord Stimulation

2010-05-06T15:05:00.000-07:00

Well, the facet joint injection procedure only gave marginal relief from my back pain and muscle spasms. So, in essence, I am still swallowing a whole bunch of pills that only alleviate the pain and spasms, but not get to the root what is causing my back problems. I went in for epidural cortisone injections today, and had a good chat with Dr. C. about what is happening.

I have had the epidural cortisone injections before (on three different occasions). I did get much needed relief from them in the past, and am hoping the injections today offer me respite as well. My back is really screaming at me today, after the injections. I do not remember being in this much pain after the other epidurals, but that may be due to the fact that for those injections I was under conscious sedation (Versed is a wonderful thing). Since K is now home from school, I was finally able to take something for the pain (I had to wait for four hours though). I am still in pain, but I don't really care.

Dr. C. is convinced that what is causing my problems is the scar tissue from my lumbar laminectomy. I only have one disc that is degenerated (the one that was operated on), and the other discs are within normal limits for my age as far as compression goes. On its face, that is really good news. My back is not as fucked up as it is acting. I asked Dr. C. if he thought an inversion table would help me at all. He told me that he thought it would be beneficial and gave me an anecdotal story about his brother in law using one and swearing by it. So now, I am putting out to the Universe that I would like to manifest an inversion table. We really do not have the funds to be able to buy one, and probably won't have the money in the foreseeable future. I just want to get to the point where I can start some sort of physical therapy to strengthen my back and core so I don't get to this point as often. Acute situations are so much easier to handle than chronic ones. And I am in a chronic stage right now.

I saw a clip two or three weeks ago on TV about Spinal Chord Stimulation, and am curious if I would be a good candidate for it. Essentially, the surgeon implants an electrode onto the spinal chord, and the patient has some sort of remote control device that can turn the stimulation on and off as needed for pain and spasms. They do a temporary one, as a trial and after a specified amount of time, the patient decides whether they want it on a permanent basis, and the surgeon implants a permanent device. Apparently, according to the news clip (http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=news/health/your_health&id=7395631) 85% of patients who have the temporary electrode implanted opt for the permanent one. It really looks attractive to me at this point.

The $64,000 question is: does anyone at the orthopaedic practice I go to DO this procedure, or am I going to have to go to Los Angeles to get this done? Los Angeles is not a deal breaker, but it makes things a little more complicated. Although, I love the UCLA campus, and would not be against going there for a same-day procedure, if necessary. Westwood is beautiful any time of the year.

OK, A Little Better Today

2010-04-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

I had myself a good, old fashioned wallow in my pity day yesterday. Still kind of dealing with the residual grief of losing R permanently last year. That, in combination with kind of an emotionally intense day on Sunday and yesterday's doctor appointment were more than enough to send me over the edge.

When I was at the doctor's office yesterday, he gave me a diagnosis that has a rather ugly and negative sound to it, Failed Back (Surgery) Syndrome. This is in addition to osteoarthritis. This condition also has a kind of grim prognosis, as evidenced by the doctor's statement as he was leaving the exam room, "Just let us know when you are running out of Vicodin and Soma, we'll call them in to your pharmacy."

I am scheduled for an epidural injection next week. At some point, if we can get my back out of the cascade of spasm, I will be going in for physical therapy to (hopefully) strengthen the muscles so they do not go into spasm in the first place. I can handle the back pain, it is the spasms that pretty much lay me flat out. And I am pretty much in back spasms for at least 1/2 of my waking hours. Needless to say, I have to really think about what I do and whether I can accomplish certain things. And even with all this lying around, I am still losing weight. I am seriously not exerting much energy (although the energy it takes to just exist with chronic pain could possibly be Herculean), my appetite is not as large as normal, but I don't think I am eating THAT much less. Weird. I have lost 15 pounds in the past couple of months. At this rate I should be ready for bikini season really soon. (HAHAHAHA - I know better than to wear a bikini).

I did cry for about 10 minutes total last night. Somehow I stopped myself before I totally lost control. I have become a master of distracting myself from my grief. I know there is a vast rushing river of tears within, but I dare not let very much of it out for fear that I will get lost in it. As afraid as I am of letting it out, I also really wish I could let it go and be done with it. Having it all there, so close to the surface, feels crazy to me. I cry about the stupidest things sometimes, just because it is all there and has to overflow sometimes. Then I feel really foolish.

OK, I have started to cry

2010-04-26T20:15:00.000-07:00

I am not sure how I am going to stop. The floodgates are open and I am losing control. Not sure if I really ever had control, but the river of tears has started flowing, and does not look like it is going to stop any time soon.

International Day

2010-04-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

Our citywide Girl Scouts International Day was today. Troops can choose whether they wish to be a country, or tourists. Most troops choose to be countries, which is really fun. Our troop was Kenya this year. We served samosas and iced tea (as Kenyan food is very Indian inspired and tea is one of their main exports). Our girls' costumes consisted of 2 yards of one fabric as almost a sarong looking style and a contrasting fabric as a sash. The girls looked very cute.

The above photo is of our troop's banner. I cut out and sewed the letters on it, the girls made the animal faces, and I hot glued the animal faces and the "Troop 2065" on the bottom. I am very happy with how it turned out.

Without fail, no matter what the weather forecast is, International Day is always a hot day. This morning I was watching the news before we left, and the forecast was for a high temperature of 70° F. When we left after the event was over it was well into the 80's. So much for Live Mega Doppler 7000 in HD today. Garth Kemp totally let me down, man!

Upon arriving home, K went directly to her room. She is napping as I write this. What is it about being outside in the direct sunlight that saps everyone's energy? I have never been able to figure that out.

It is always nice to see K's friends who are in different troops and the countries they represent. K's friends represented Argentina, Taiwan, Japan, and the Philippines. Going around and sampling the foods of the different countries is always fun. K's favorite was Switzerland, who was serving Swiss Cheese and Chocolate. My favorite was Korea, who was serving glass noodle salad. Yum. All of the girls from all the different troop looked fantastic.

Let's Try This Again

2010-04-21T21:03:00.000-07:00

One year ago tomorrow (April 22). My friend R passed away suddenly. I am kind of sketchy on the details, but she was on vacation with her parents, and she was either on a cruise (and off the ship in one of the cruise ship tourist towns in Gulf Coastal Mexico) or she was in Fort Myers, FL. At any rate, she had gone into a gift shop, while her parents waited outside. They waited outside the gift shop for awhile, and then H (R's mom) decided to go in and find out what was taking so long. R had collapsed on the floor, and someone was trying to revive her when H went in. R had a brain aneurysm which had ruptured, and it is likely she was dead before she even hit the floor.

I met R probably about a year after I had completed my radiation treatments for Hodgkins Lymphoma. We met in the kitchen at Camp Vermilion which was the setting for a recovery retreat up in the iron range of northern Minnesota. She was new in recovery and appeared very overwhelmed by a few of the Type A personalities barking orders in the kitchen. We had an almost instant connection. There was definitely a kinship bond between us which seemed to predate both of us.

For whatever reason, as deeply as I loved (and still love) R, our friendship has not always traveled a smooth road. Rough, rocky, and intense are probably apt descriptors for our relationship. There was a fragility about R, and an a certain amount of unpredictability about what was going to trigger the fragility. From R, I learned much about tact, diplomacy, and gentleness in confrontation. I am very much a bull in a china shop, and R's fragile nature taught me how to be more gentle and thoughtful. I am actually amazed she was willing to be friends with me because I am not a very gentle person (even today I have more than my share of rough edges).

Even though she was fragile (and due to stuff from her past) a very broken person, there was a depth and a beauty to her spirit that I always admired and found myself very envious of. Here I was, a hardened biker bitch, and R was this very feminine (but not ruffly), very artistic, creatively gifted woman. I still wonder to this day what it was that attracted her to me, because I am very logical, linear, and mathematical, and outwardly not really warm and cuddly.

I, too, am a very broken and flawed person. I keep all of that very well hidden. Truth be told, sometimes I am afraid to start crying, because I fear I will never stop. Don't get me wrong. I do cry, I just don't allow myself to cry for very long. She was so fearless about accessing the sadness and grief of her life, feelings I really have difficulty allowing myself to really and truly experience. I envied her ability to let herself feel those feelings.

Her artistic ability and creativity were qualities that I loved. I can barely draw stick figures, and she was able to draw, paint, use pastels, and other media to create beautiful works of art. The only thing I can do is sing, and once I am done singing, there is nothing tangible left, but when she painted, her paintings remain, even long after she is gone. I long to be able to create like she did.

Her loyalty to her family, even though they did not deserve her loyalty, showed an inner strength that was profound, and belied how delicate she was inside. As much as they hurt her, she loved them without condition, and would move heaven and earth to be there for them when they needed her. Maybe now they realize what a treasure she was.

I know why she was put into my life. I needed (and still do need) to learn how to be gentle, how to appreciate beauty. As emotional and painful as our relationship was, I miss her. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her and wonder about what things would have been like if I had just swallowed my pride and reached out just one more time. I wish I could figure out why she was taken from my life. Not sure I will ever really know the answer to that.

RJH
April 8, 1960-April 22, 2009
Loved and Sorely Missed

To Those Who Have Gone Before Us.

2010-04-20T22:48:00.000-07:00

On Thursday (April 22) it will have been one year since R passed away, and on Sunday it will be one year since I was told of her passing. I miss R. She left my life about a year and a half before she actually died, but I always thought there was time to try and reconcile. There was...the year and a half that we did not speak before she died.

We met in recovery, and I think because of that, I think there were things on both sides that were tolerated, that would not have been borne had we not been in recovery together. Funny how that is.

I am feeling a need to share some of the things that hurt me. Perhaps so I can let them go forever. One of the rifts in our friendship occurred in the months leading up to my wedding. I had asked my friend, J, to be my Matron of Honor. It was a difficult decision to chose between J and R for this role since they were both my best friends, and what it boiled down to for me, was I had known J longer than I had known R. I did ask R to be one of my attendants; I also asked my sister-in-law to stand up in our wedding. My mom made not only my gown, but she also made the bridesmaid dresses.

Behind the scenes, and apparently behind my back, R (at least from my limited viewpoint) harbored a resentment about my asking J. This all blew up in my face about a week before the wedding when she got really upset with me (about what, I can't remember). I remember quite clearly her saying, "You know, J, your wedding is not all about you!" Yep, I am still scratching my head about that one. At that point, right or wrong (probably wrong, in retrospect), I told her that if she could not be supportive of me getting married, that she need not come to the wedding at all. We did not speak to each other for about a year after that. And I never truly trusted her again.

Almost three years ago, my parents and my son were planning to come out here to visit. This visit was to coincide with K's (my daughter's) birthday. R invited herself along for the trip, I could see this was going to be a trainwreck, but other than tell her not to come, there was not a whole lot I could have done to avoid major derailment. I can handle the dysfunction of my own family. I can handle R's dysfunction, but I cannot handle the two of them simultaneously. And that is exactly what happened.

During that visit, R, my parents, my son, my daughter, and I went on a road trip for a few days to the Grand Canyon. I had never seen the Grand Canyon, and since it is a day's drive from OC, we decided to make the trip. No biggie, except for the fact that road trips with my parents can be a psychological adventure. My dad uses no courtesy when he drives, my mom gets angry with him, my dad gets defensive...etc. In other words, things get fiery.

In true F Family road trip form, things got fiery. And R totally wigged out about it. Wigged out to the point of screaming at me, in front of K, about how I am more evil than my dad, and that K is a brat. At that point (two days into the week) I was done. I shut down, and just pretended everything was fine until after they left. My mom knew something was up but knew me well enough to know that I would tell her what was up when I felt comfortable (which was over the phone after they got home).

Later in the week, we were getting ready for K's birthday party. We had planned to commandeer some picnic tables in the park, invited some of K's friends, and had ordered pizzas, a cake, and picked up a fruit plate for the party. We have a side by side refrigerator, so the refrigerator side is tall and a bit on the narrow side. R was going on and on about how we need to refrigerate the cake (when there was no room in the fridge to do so), and my mom, my husband, and I told her that the cake would be fine without being cold. After all, the bulk of the "audience" was 6 year old children, who quite frankly would not know a hot cake from a cold one.

Throughout the week, she tried to dominate the kitchen, which annoyed my husband greatly. Every time we were in there, she had to get in the middle of everything. "Oh, are you sure you want to do it THAT way?" etc. On K's actual birthday, we let K choose the menu. She chose macaroni and cheese, corn on the cob, and dinosaur (chicken) nuggets. Well, R decided that we had to have a salad, and she took the strainer I was planning on using to drain the noodles in, and put her salad greens in it and plopped it into the fridge. No big deal, really, I put her greens into a different bowl, and rinsed out the strainer, so I could strain the noodles. Well, you would have thought I had stomped a kitten to death. She got very passive aggressive about it.

The day before they were going to leave, she decided she wanted me to bring her to Costco so she could get her pictures developed. I told her that I was not sure whether Costco did the one hour processing (at the time I did not know). I did not tell her that, quite frankly, it is kind of a hassle (on a weekend day no less) to walk almost all the way through Costco just to get to the photo lab. I offered to take her to CVS to get the film developed, since I could be assured that the photos would be ready before they left the next day. She got really snippy and said, "Never mind, I will develop them at home." She had taken a lot of photos of S (my son), K, and I. Photos that no one else had taken. She had stated she wanted to get double prints so I could have a set. As far as I know, she never got that film developed. And there were photos I would have loved to see. And pardon the language, but it fucking hurts.

As flawed as I am as a human being, I never called her any names, either to her face, or behind her back. She not only called me names, she called my daughter names. And she did this during a period in which she was a guest in my home. And I let her. But yet I miss her. How fucked up is that?

MPUSD

2010-03-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

Just got a notice home from K's school today. Since the budgets here in CA are so messed up, the school district of MasterPlanistan, in its infinite and all knowing wisdom, has decided it is necessary to have four furlough days. Now I am not really super happy about that, but it gets worse. Instead of maybe just ending the school year four days early, they have decided that there will be no school on June 7-8 and 14-15. The last day of school was scheduled for June 17.

Now why the hell couldn't they have moved the last day to June 11 and just been done with it. As it is our school district is the latest in the area to start back, and consequently the latest to let out for summer break. This Monday and Tuesday furlough thing only makes things more complicated for the parents, who, by the way, pay the property taxes which pay for the schools in the first place. As it is, the kids are only in the classroom just a little over 25 hours per week. And anything that they cannot get to in such a short amount of time ends up falling to the parents to cover, by way of an excessive homework load. No kind of work/school/life balance for our darling snowflakes here in MasterPlanistan. And then the expectation is, that because we live in MasterPlanistan, that our children are better, brighter, and more athletic than children from, say, Santa Ana. The arrogance and level of competition here frustrates me.

I would prefer to have K get out the four days early than this crap. Another better alternative to the current furlough days, would be to have one furlough day in both April and May and then get out two days earlier in June. Makes a heck of a lot more sense to me than what they did. I am really angry about this. And the fact that they send home a notice in March regarding this, when they had to have known back at the beginning of the school year that things were this grim, kind of tells me that the powers that be are not really all that on the ball.

Things are run so differently here than in Minnesota. The PTA/PTOs in Minnesota do their share of fundraising, but the funds raised actually go to educational enrichment (which is where the money SHOULD be going), not facility upgrades that the school district should be paying for.

Cookies

2010-03-13T14:11:00.000-08:00

Our lives have been completely co-opted by the Girl Scout Cookies. We have canvassed the neighborhood, brought the order form to church, pestered and annoyed all of our friends and done three booth sales. We have one more booth sale to go. Final tally for K is 508 boxes of cookies. She has earned the temporary tattoos, four different patches, the rolling stamper, the friendship bracelet, the frog carabiner, the peace sign necklace, the stuffed plush frog, the sig bottle, the plaid hat, the t-shirt, the peace sign bracelet, the fleece blanket, the pullover hoodie, the eco journal, the messenger bag, and the girls night out (which consists of an overnight p.j. party including galaxy bowling, food, another patch, and prizes).

Her troop gets an initial $0.68 per box, plus council will mail a check for an additional $0.05 per box. K has earned $365.00 toward troop funds. We are really excited about that.

And Life Isn't Fair

2010-02-23T20:42:00.000-08:00

C died today. She had lung cancer. C was the mother of one of the girls in K's Brownie troop. I just told K and both of us have been crying together.

C went into the hospital right before Christmas, ended up in a nursing home for awhile and spent the last few days of her life at her brother's house, with Hospice and her family. I am really struggling to make any sense of why C had to pass so soon. I had not known her for very long, but she made an imprint on my life. And I cannot explain it to K in any kind of sufficient way. It is so not fair. It is not even in the same universe as fair.

Roller Coaster of Life

2010-02-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

If I did not know any better, I would swear I have rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder. (I don't, I just have Major Depression, exacerbated by chronic pain).

Sunday, and today, someone in my life hurt my feelings pretty badly, in a really unfair way. I have been pretty upset and sad today as a result. Yes, I know, I am responsible for my own emotions. Yes I know, I let that person really get to me. Yes I know, I can choose not to let that person get to me, but the fact is, today, she did. And I hate that she is in my head.

A few minutes ago, I got off the phone with my mom. One of the things my parent do for my birthday is to buy me Twins tickets. My birthday is in April, and coincides closely with Opening Day. The past few years, they have bought me tickets to the Twins at Angels (since we are here).

Well, a new wrinkle has emerged. My mom has offered to fly the three of us to Minneapolis sometime this summer, to see a Twins game at the new stadium. WOOHOO. Happy Birthday To ME! And since this summer is an anniversary of sorts for M's football buddies, we can kill two birds with one stone, and hang out in the motherland to boot! Yay!

Still feel sad about the other thing, but the timing on my mom's call could not have been better. I have hope.

Halfway through February

2010-02-18T16:45:00.000-08:00

Well, we are over halfway through February. My back pain is getting worse. I really need to get back to the doctor.

Last weekend was good. We took the Brownie troop (along with a Cub Scout den) to the OC Zoo at Irvine Regional Park. Most of the animals at the OC Zoo are "rescue" animals, which is kind of neat. We saw bald eagles, turkey vultures, an opossum, an ocelot, a mountain lion and a lot of other animals. A's dad also taught the kids how to use a compass and a map.

After the tour of the zoo, we had a picnic lunch in the park, the girls climbed trees and the adults relaxed. It was a really nice time.

I went to the knitting group at church after the trip to the zoo. It was really fun to hang out and knit with everyone (and get to know people better). I am working on a scarf. I have torn it out and started over three times now. It is so nice to feel part of the fellowship at church. I have belonged to churches in the past and never really felt like I belonged. I struggle with that feeling of belonging in almost all areas of my life. It is really a lonely feeling sometimes.

Some friends of ours had tickets to the UCI men's basketball game on Saturday night, so we went along with them. K got to hang out with P and L; she had a really good time. UCI beat UC Davis in the final seconds of the game. It was really exciting!

Because I did so much on Saturday, I feel like I have been paying dearly for it ever since. This gets really old.

Whale Missing

2010-02-09T11:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, our Girl Scout troop went whale watching. Well maybe not so much whale watching as hoping to see whales.

M took the day off so he could join us, as this was a family event for the Irvine Girl Scouts. We boarded the boat from Balboa Island in the Newport Harbor. The boat was one of the high speed catamarans they use to shuttle back and forth from mainland southern California to Catalina Island. We started our trip out on the top deck, where it was windy but the sun (and our jackets) kept us warm. As we were leaving the harbor, we came by a buoy that had about a half dozen small sea lions on it! They were adorable. Some of the girls saw some jelly fish in the mouth of the harbor as well.

I have never, before yesterday, gotten seasick. I had bought some chewable Dramamine for K in case she got sick. I ended up taking one tablet of Dramamine, and just stayed queasy for the rest of the trip. The queasiness got a lot worse when we went downstairs to the second deck of the boat. Not sure why that was, but I spent a good portion of that part of the trip with my head between my knees.

There were no whales to be seen on our trip, but we did happen by a pod of dolphins, and they swam right up close to our boat. They are such majestic and playful creatures. I have yet to upload the photos, but M said he got some good shots of the dolphins swimming by us.

Thankfully, our trip was scheduled within the two day window between rainstorms. This is an El Niño year, so we have been having more rain than normal. Fires, mudslides, earthquakes...who would not want to live here? Oh yeah, that is right, it is the great weather, the beaches, and the mountains that draw people here.

By the time we got back to the landing, I was chilled to the bone. I am still kind of cold this morning, which is unusual for me. What is it about being outside for long periods of time that makes one so tired? Because I am exhausted today as well. Oh well. It was a good day.

Pleasant Surprises

2010-02-07T22:01:00.000-08:00

This weekend has been filled with pleasant surprises. Yesterday, we took one of K's friends with us to the Home Depot Kids' Workshop. I love the Kids' Workshop, the projects are simple enough for the kids to get confident with using hand tools; and the projects, the apron, and the pins for finishing the projects are free. This month's project was a little shelf to store Hot Wheels type cars on it, apparently in honor of the upcoming Daytona 500. Both K and L really enjoyed building their shelves (but K owns no Hot Wheels cars, and I suspect L does not either). After we got done, we went to drop L back off at home, and were invited in for lunch. Very pleasant surprise. The girls played together while the three of us adult had a great conversation in the kitchen.

This morning at church is where the next pleasant surprise took place. We had invited our friends to join us at church a few weeks ago and they came today. They all seemed to enjoy the service (and the kids enjoyed Sunday School). It was a really busy day at church today. There were two baptisms, we welcomed four new members, and we also had communion. And we in the choir sung the challenging Haydn piece. This piece is particularly challenging for altos and basses, as both the alto and bass parts are often at higher pitches than the sopranos and tenors. That high E note? Nope, can't hit it, even when standing on my tiptoes. We got through the piece, but I think I would have liked a few more rehearsals of it to get more comfortable.

After church, K continued her sale of the Girl Scout cookies. We turn the pre-orders in tomorrow. There was also an all church potluck to welcome the new members. It was a nice relaxing early afternoon. After we got home, K wanted to watch the Puppy Bowl and the Kitty Halftime Show. Near fatal amounts of cuteness is the only way one can describe that show. It was fun watching it with her. Then we watched the Superbowl. Congratulations to the Saints and their fans. I wanted the Colts to win, mostly because I am heartbroken over the Vikings losing the NFC Championship again. But, oh well, obviously the Saints wanted it more than the Colts.

Tomorrow, we are going whale watching with the Girl Scout troop. I am excited, and so is K. I have to try and get some sleep tonight or I will be a hurting unit tomorrow. Goodnight.

Happy Cancer Anniversary to Me!

2010-02-05T08:37:00.000-08:00

Today is the twenty third anniversary of one of three days that changed the course of my life forever.

Tears were streaming down his face when he said, "You have Hodgkins Disease." He did not say the c word, even when pressed. We asked what we were to do next and words like further testing, surgeries, and oncologist were uttered. I left Dr. Gozum's office in a fog. I called Dr. Salmi (my general practitioner) to try and get in later that afternoon to figure out what we were to do next. The receptionist told me there was nothing open. My mom took the phone from me, and rather bluntly told the receptionist to open something up because I had just been diagnosed with cancer and we needed to get some answers. Miraculously something just happened to be open at the end of the day.

Dr. Salmi DID say the c word. He also had recommendations for two different oncologists, both out of the same practice. One male, one female. He had a higher recommendation for the male, Dr. Sborov. So, because I had no issue with male doctors, I chose him. This turned out to be an excellent choice for a number of reasons that may be revealed in a later post.

It is really weird how I can remember the details of that day. Because I have always had kind of a muddy memory for stuff like this. The sun was shining that day when we went to both doctor's offices. Between appointments, we went to Applebee's for lunch (and for years, I could not set foot in an Applebee's because it was too emotionally painful, in retrospect we should have went to Bennigan's because they are all out of business now!) Sunny days in February are actually fairly infrequent in Minnesota. Sunny days in February that are not accompanied by subzero temperatures and windchills are exceedingly rare. It was sunny and warm (by Minnesota winter standards).

I remember going to visit some friends at the House of Too Many Rooms that evening and breaking the news to everyone and just crying in the living room of the house. I am grateful that I am still friends with a lot of the people that were there that evening. I am also exceedingly grateful that they were all there. I would have never made it through all that without their love and support. They loved me when my body was broken and dysfunctional. They loved me when my hair was falling out, and when my skin was burned so bad from the radiation that it had turned purple. They loved me when I was overcome by all the emotional shit one goes through when faced with catastrophic illness. They allowed me to just be where I was at, no judgment, just love. And they helped me fight. I have a special place in my heart, always, for one person in particular, who, by serendipity, was closest to me through this, and handled the intensity of it all with grace, sensitivity, and humor. My friends and family were strong when I could not be.

The next month was filled with doctor appointments, "minor" procedures (both the lymphangiogram and the bone marrow biopsy could be classified by the Geneva Convention as torture modalities), CT scans and ultimately the abdominal surgery, which removed my spleen, my appendix, and several lymph glands. The cancer had not advanced to my abdomen. I started my radiation therapy when I was still in the hospital recouperating from the abdominal surgery.

My life became daily trips to the hospital for my rads, daily fluoride treatments for my teeth because my saliva glands were knocked out by the radiation, and weird dietary considerations because most foods were too difficult to swallow. For months, I lived on mashed potatoes, gravy and Ensure "shakes". Note to anyone who may end up having to drink Ensure for their nutrition: avoid the strawberry flavor. I joined support groups, I took a leave of absence from work, I hung out with and clung to my friends, and I went to the doctor, a lot. I was thin even before the cancer, but because I was not able to eat a variety of foods, I lost weight and became rather anorexic looking. Real sexay....not! In those days, I looked like walking death. It was really frightening to look in the mirror.

I am still not really all that sure if the old adage, "what does not kill you makes you stronger" is true. I survived it, but still have a lot of lingering baggage from it, both physical and emotional. I am not sure one ever truly gets over cancer.

Weird Aniversaries (this gets a little graphic - avoid if you are squeamish)

2010-02-03T08:32:00.001-08:00

It was 23 years ago today that I had the original biopsy. Today is very bittersweet. At the time, I already knew deep down inside that I had cancer, but had two more days to pretend I didn't. I still wonder what my life would have been like without the diagnosis and treatment of the Hodgkins Lymphoma. Would I have better lung function? Would my energy levels be more normal? Would I be more fearless in life? And more questions I will never have the answers for.

I am grateful that my surgeon had done some training in plastic surgery, so it lessened the visual impact of the big scars on my neck. This same surgeon later did my rhinoplasty after I had broken my nose in a construction mishap. Amazing doctor and an even better human being. When my mom and I (I was 22 years old and very single) met with him to get the awful diagnosis, he was crying right along with us. He said, "I was so sure it was benign when I was operating. It LOOKED benign." I am sure he is retired by now, but if he is not, I highly suggest Dr. Gozum in the Twin Cities area, if you ever need an otolaryngologist (ear, nose, and throat specialist).

I wish I had been writing in a journal back then, I think it would be interesting to read about where my head was at back in those difficult days. I do know there were moments that I thought of ending it all, but I talked to the right people and got the help I needed to get over it. To be honest, I could not bring myself to do it. I do remember people trying to make long range plans with me. I had to tell them that I was unable to make long range plans, and could they call me right before the activity and I would tell them whether I felt up to it. I am sure it was frustrating for my friends. I know it was frustrating for me.

I remember losing half of my hair (I had radiation therapy and lost all the hair in the radiation field). I lost the hair from just above the notch on the back of my skull and down from there. Thankfully I had long hair at the time so I was able to "cover it up" well. It was a weird sensation when a fan blew up under my hair, to the skin that was not used to being bare.

The nausea during the second phase of my radiation therapy was more than unpleasant. All of my life, I have had a phobia about vomiting, and here I was, vomiting all the time. I still have that phobia. I will move heaven and earth to avoid puking. As a result, I have not puked since the early 1990s.

I still have the low blood pressure that I got during those days. I have to be careful when I stand up, so I don't pass out from the blood pressure dip. Funny story about that - I was at a club with some friends during my treatment, and someone walked up to me and asked me about how long the doctors gave me to live. I stood up too fast (deliberately) and fainted. Freaked the nosy person out, then I told them that I had at least 50 or 60 years left. If I could not laugh about it all, I would have been crying all the time. I also played a prank on my boss. When I was losing my hair, one day, my boss walked by my cubicle and asked me how I was doing. I grabbed a chunk of my hair, pulled it out, and said, "this job is driving me crazy!" He turned whiter than a twice bleached bedsheet, and said, "please tell me that was going to come out of your head anyway!" We had a good laugh about that. I had to find things to laugh at, while going through all of the crap. It was the only way I could have survived.

Obviously, it was not all fun and games. One of my friends had a "skating party" around Lake Calhoun toward the end of the first phase of my radiation therapy. So we went and rented skates (or Rollerblades for those inclined) at Rolling Soles, and proceeded to skate around the lake. I got about halfway around the lake and I could not go any further. So I had to sit and wait until someone had gotten back to the skate rental place, and pick me up in the car and take me back. I was such a buzzkill. I felt awful that I felt so awful that I could not get around the stupid lake. It is only 3.2 miles around.

OK, enough trolling down memory lane for today. Perhaps in a later post we can go into the dietary weirdness that was my life in those days.

Monday Frustrations

2010-02-01T16:14:00.000-08:00

A. (the leader of the Brownie Troop) and I met up today to go check out the Tucker Wildlife Sanctuary to see if this was a facility where we could have our Bridging Ceremony in June. I Googlemapped the location and got driving directions from the Girl Scout Council office (which is across the street from A's office), since the preserve is closer to A's office than my house.

Got to the Council office and we were on our merry way. Until we got onto Modjeska Canyon Grade. Ho Lee Crap is that road ever treacherous. I understand it is a paved narrow canyon road, but there were places that there was not any distance between the road and the dropoff into the canyon (we are talking less than 6 inches of "shoulder"). These are the kinds of roads that if I am not driving, which I was, I would be hiding under the seats of the car. Beautiful country, crazy scary roads!

We get to Tucker and there is a big sign that says they are closed on Mondays. A. had called last week and spoke to someone there and told the person working there that we would be there on Monday to check it out and the person failed to tell her that they are closed Mondays. So we were rather frustrated. We got out of the car anyway and took a look around. It has some nice mellow hiking trails, so our girls could go on a hike while we visit. The elevation is not extremely high, so we would not have to worry about hypoxia. I get breathless at about 3000 feet elevation, and the elevation of the preserve is at about 1500 feet. The interpretive center looked really neat with microscopes and all sorts of things to look at with regards to the flora and fauna of the area. There were all sorts of signs hung up warning people to watch out for poison oak. "Leaves of three - let it be". All in all, it looks like a really cool place to hold an event. We are not sure whether we will do the Bridging Ceremony there, but we will probably do a hike there.

On the way out, we tried to follow the opposite of the directions we had on the way in, but somehow I missed a turn. We ended up on a road that I was at least somewhat familiar with, so we did not get totally lost. When we were on our way in, there is a section of the road that is only about 1 1/2 lanes wide, and of course we met a UPS delivery van at that part of the road (at least it was in the flats, so we did not have to drive into a ditch to avoid the UPS guy). I would hate to have that area as part of my route if I were a delivery driver. I felt like my little HHR was way too big for the canyon road, I would hate to try and navigate it in a delivery van.

Out of the Blue

2010-01-31T20:36:00.000-08:00

It is amazing how latent insecurities can be triggered by seemingly insignificant situations.

I am a really tall woman (6'2" currently, used to be 6'3" but there has been some settling of contents during shipment). I have been comfortable being tall since I was in my mid-twenties. Before that I was really insecure, and felt very gangly and ugly. This morning before church, a woman walked by me and said to her husband (loud enough for me to hear), "Gee, maybe I should join a church of midgets!" She was probably about 5 feet tall. Now I know she meant it to be funny, but for some reason today, it totally hit me wrong. And I spent the better part of today feeling really insecure about my height. I know it's trivial, I know I am taking things way too personally, and I am having a difficult time letting this go today. UGH.

Snow Day

2010-01-30T17:14:00.001-08:00

We went to the Snow Day at the Irvine Great Park today. The lines for everything were really long, but later in the afternoon, the patches of snow were a lot of fun to play in. K built a mini snowman with R, P, and L. Other than being insanely crowded, it really was a good time.

We had a nice picnic with one of the families from church. And we ran into another family from our neighborhood and so all of us hung out for the afternoon, with the kids playing and we adults having very nice conversation. And I got my snow fix, yet again!

Snow - Real Snow Below 1000 Feet Altitude Even!

2010-01-29T10:26:00.000-08:00

Back in March of 2009, our family started attending church at Irvine United Congregational Church. Everyone there has been so warm and welcoming, and we actually became full members in May. Amongst the recurring events in this church's life are the monthly "Bon Vivant" dinners. On the last Saturday of every month, there are sign ups for hosting and participating in these small intimate dinners. It is a great way to get to know people from church. There has been a big push to start up a family friendly "Bon Vivant", and tomorrow will be the first one.

The family who signed up to host it has decided to host it at the Irvine Great Park. Tomorrow, at the park, they are having a "Snow Day", complete with sledding, ice rink, skate rentals, and opportunities to ride the "Orange Balloon". I need to call the host to find out the particulars (what food to bring, etc.); I am excited about this because I get to satisfy my craving for snow! SQUEEEEEEE!!!

Here is a link to the event! http://www.ocgp.org/2010/01/great-park-snow-day/. Looks to be a lot of fun for all of us.

A Bit of a Reprieve

2010-01-27T14:15:00.000-08:00

Today I am having a better day with regards to the depression. I know it is still there, lurking under the surface. I know it will be back, and sooner rather than later. But today, I am feeling relatively good. The seemingly endless stream of tears is not at all close to the surface today. I am enjoying it.

The sun is out. K seems to be really cooperative regarding her homework today, and there is a little glimmer of hope. Not that that glimmer of hope ever really disappears... if it did, I probably would not still be here. But the glimmer seems a little stronger today. Not coincedentally, my pain level is at the lowest it has been in about a month. I am very grateful for this. I chalk my better mood up to the reduced pain level and the sunshine. I feel like the foul mood from last week's storms has now been washed away.

We are right in the middle of the annual Girl Scout Cookie Sale. K has been through two troop splits, so essentially she is in a third different troop for the sales season. K's troop is really small (7 girls) and our troop goal for the cookie sale is 1000 boxes. K sold 250 boxes last year, and she has upped her personal goal to 300. So far, K is doing rather well, close to 200 boxes, and we have not done booth sales yet. I am hoping, for K's and her troop's sake, that K blows the doors off her goal of 300 boxes. Her troop is planning on doing a "Roar and Snore" campout at the San Diego Wild Animal Park with the proceeds from the cookie sale.

I recently (right before Christmas) joined the choir at church. I am a second alto (which is the lower part of the alto range). Apparently, when I joined, the choir was seriously hurting for altos and I was welcomed in really enthusiastically. My sight reading ability for singing is not a strong point, but once I have heard and sung a piece several times, I am fine. All of the members of the choir are really super nice, and it is a pleasure to hang out and perform with them. I was really nervous, actually I still am, about being in the choir, but my enjoyment way outshadows any anxiety I feel about choir. I am still on my quest to be more fearless in my life, and choir is just another one of those things that helps me pretend that I AM fearless.

I will be able to ride February out, I will.

February Funk

2010-01-26T11:24:00.001-08:00

For whatever reason, the rhythms of my life have determined that I get really depressed during the month of February. If I could completely abolish the 28-29 days of February completely from the calendar I would. No offense to those born in this dark month, I just have never "felt" February.

Perhaps part of the reason for my negativity about it is the fact that the beginning of February, 1987 started with a real bang for me. I had the original biopsy on 2/3/1987, and got the cancer diagnosis on 2/5/1987. So I have an upcoming anniversary of sorts. I am grateful I survived, and on some days, I am even grateful I had cancer (I know that sounds strange). I am not yet grateful for the scars, or the long-term affects of having been treated for cancer. That stuff just plain stinks. But in some really tangible ways, cancer gave me many gifts. One of these gifts is the strength to face down my depressive episodes.

I have started to feel myself sinking into the February depression. It started yesterday. I know the feeling well, I know it is only temporary, and I know I will be OK at the other end. I just hate feeling like this. I hate that I cry for no reason, and that my already short temper is even shorter right now. I hate that when K had a real setback with the homework that I lost my patience with her yesterday. I hate that I have to pretend everything is okay when I am out and about in the world. I know the sun will shine on my psyche again, but right now I curse the darkness.

Overwhelmed

2010-01-25T16:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it feels to me like I am in way over my head in life. I am having one of those days today. I definitely feel today like I am not good enough, I don't feel like I fit in, and that all I am is a big pretender.

Aren't I a little bit advanced in years to be feeling this? Don't most people grow out of these floating feelings of inadequacy by the time they are in their thirties? I am almost 46 years old and my insides feel like I am 14. Not fun.

Most of the time I can maintain with all this crap below the surface, but sometimes it bubbles over, like today, for example. I suppose it could be female hormonal stuff, intensifying it, but I have no idea if that is it, because I had the hysterectomy about a year ago, and so I no longer know what my hormonal cycle is.

My children deserve a better and more confident mother.

The Storms of the Century

2010-01-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

Being from the Midwest, where there are many rainstorms, I often have to laugh at the weather casts of "storms" here. In the 3 1/2 years I have lived here, the most rain we have gotten in a single storm has been about 1/2 inch. And when the storms are forecasted, the media here totally over hypes them. The storms of this past week actually lived up to the hype.

It is no secret that our climate is basically a coastal desert. Irvine averages just shy of 13 inches of rain per year. Contrast that with the Twin Cities area of Minnesota, where they average about 25-30 inches of precipitation (both rain and snow - 10 inches of snow is ~ 1 inch of rain).

Well, this past week we had several storms hit us in rapid succession, starting on Sunday and ending in the wee hours of today (Saturday). According to NOAA, John Wayne Airport (closest point of reference) got 6.03 inches. The amount of rain increased as the distance from the coast increased. If I had to guess (we don't have a rain gauge), I would estimate that we got between 6.5 and 7 inches of rain this week. We also had tornadoes in Orange County on Tuesday (the closest one hit in extreme south Irvine (about 5-6 miles from here). And for those that may not be aware, houses here are not built with basements. So one needs to go to a windowless interior room on the lowest floor to take cover. Or, in my case, be out to coffee with the leader of the Brownie troop, and be totally oblivious to such trifles as Tornado Warnings. Some of the people I know reacted to the Tornado Warning exactly the way I react to earthquakes. I guess it just comes down to what one is used to. Add to this, the fact that because it so rarely rains here, people here do not really know how to drive in it, especially when it REALLY rains. Yes, that big puddle of water pooling in the right hand lane of the freeway IS going to affect the motion of your car. We saw people on the 405 hit those pools going 65 mph, and totally lose control of their cars. It was scary. One eighth of an inch of rain and many people get confused. Much like in Minnesota during the first snowfall of the season.

I don't know about anyone else, but I was so ready to be done with these storms on Wednesday. All this damp and chilly air really affected my arthritis in a very bad way. The sun is out today and I am still hurting. I imagine those people up in the slide areas are also so done with this. They have lifted most of the mandatory evacuations. There were slides, but apparently, the measures they took to protect buildings worked and the damage from the mudslides appears to be minimal.

Thankfully the sun did come back out today, as it is the beginning of the annual Girl Scout Cookie Sale. K and her dad are out canvassing the neighborhood right now for potential customers. Last year K sold 250 boxes of cookies (her goal was 200). This year her goal is 300 boxes. Our troop this year will be participating in booth sales, so K's numbers should go up. The troop plans on using the funds to go to an overnight program at the San Diego Wild Animal Park.

In other news, today is S's 19th birthday. Where did all the time go?

APAAS, GATE or Status Quo - What to do?

2010-01-06T12:20:00.000-08:00

Our daughter is a very intelligent girl. And yes there is considerable bias on my part in making that statement. However, I do have some empirical evidence of her intellectual capacity. Last year (second grade) was the first year that K took the STAR tests (California's standardized tests). She scored a 440 in English/Language Arts (402-600 is advanced) and a 491 in Mathematics (414-600 is advanced). In addition to the high test scores, she has some ADHD issues. I am convinced that a significant percentage of the ADHD issue is boredom.

APAAS would require that K switch to a different school because APAAS is a stand-alone program, and K's school is not an APAAS center. I actually think APAAS would be preferable, since it is stand-alone, in comparison to GATE which is an "addition to" program. Plus, from everything I have heard, both fourth grade teachers at K's current school would not be a good fit for K and her attention deficit/processing issues. Minimum criteria for K to get into APAAS is advanced on the STAR testing in both English/Language Arts and Mathematics, Bs or better on her second trimester report card, and the ability to handle higher expectations academically. I am pretty confident on two of the three criteria.

GATE would happen at K's current school, and K would be put at a table in her class with the other GATE kids, and would be taught with the regular class but have higher expectations than most of the rest of the kids in her class. I do not like this at all, since I think if she is going to be put into a program with high academic expectations, that she needs to be in a group with the same expectations, or else it will probably not work well for her. Oh the joys of dealing with ADHD and a particularly willful child. Yes, Mom, K is part of my penance for putting you and Dad through Hell.

I am going to get in touch with Mrs. A. (the special ed teacher at K's school) and try and set up an appointment with her to get her ideas about this whole dilemma. She has really been such a good resource for me, in navigating the ADHD issues and has given me some really great advice with regard to motivating K to do her best. I am grateful for her input.

Spark of Love

2009-12-18T17:47:00.000-08:00

I met Garth Kemp today. I remember when he used to be a d.j. over at KQRS in Minneapolis, so I am a huge fan. I am a serious fangirl, in fact.

Garth Kemp, for those not in SoCal, is the weekday morning weather guy for our ABC affiliate. He is a big burly former blonde (his hair is gray now). Every year around Christmas, he dresses up in this goofy elf costume on Fridays and goes to various locations in the area to "stuff buses" full of toys (think Toys for Tots, but not really, because I believe CBS does the Toys for Tots thing here). It is a huge deal. He works from 5:30 AM to 6:30 PM on those Fridays.

Today he was at the Honda Center (formerly the Duck Pond) in Anaheim, so K, K's friend A, and I headed up there to help stuff the bus.

I was wearing my Brett Favre jersey (by design, I figured he would notice his former market!), I took a photo of K and A with Garth and one with the girls on one of the toy buses. Garth said, "Hey wait, I want you to meet my cameraman, he is a HUGE Green Bay Packers fan!"

So the three of us adults stood around talking about the Vikings chances in the playoffs. Garth appears to be a Vikings fan because he said he can't even get his hopes up until the Vikings win the NFC Championship. OMG he is SOOOO COOL!

He was super super nice to us, and everyone else there. It was refreshing to meet someone who is obviously in the media who was genuinely nice and interested in people.

Some Good Things, Some Not So Good.

2009-12-04T08:49:00.000-08:00

First off, the not so good.

K came home from school with an infestation of head lice. I am guessing she had them for a few days, so we have been super cleaning, we washed her hair with RID, did the whole nit comb thing (so far 3 times), washing tons of laundry, etc. Well yesterday, she still had some of the nasty beasts living in her hair, so I took her to urgent care last night we got a prescription for stronger stuff. We are going to do the whole shampoo and lice cream thing later this morning, when I get ahead of some of the laundry.

Met with the haematologist on Wednesday. I was really nervous, but everyone in that practice was sooooo wonderful. They ran an initial CBC with differential, and it was weird. My platelets came out at only 157 (when they were 666 three weeks ago). Seems like a rather large swing to me. The phlebotomist took like 8 tubes of blood so they can run all kinds of tests. Then I had my consultation with the doctor. This consultation happened in his office and not in an exam room (HUGE deal, in my estimation). Dr. S. spent 45 minutes with me, going over my health history, planning out what to do next, and talking with me about what the high platelet thing means and why it might have happened. He explained that because my spleen was removed back in 1987, that my platelets may always run a little high, because it is the spleen that breaks the platelets down. VERY informative. And a bonus was finding out that he did his haematology residency at the University of Minnesota!

Yesterday, K and I went to Barnes and Noble to spend her gift card. It was also K's school's Barnes and Noble bookfair day so a percentage of what we spent went to her school's library. We chose three of the "Little House" books - "Little House in the Big Woods", "Little House on the Prairie", and "By the Banks of Plum Creek". We also chose "The Giver" and "Number the Stars". After we got home, K started reading "Little House in the Big Woods" and she discovered that the main character in the book had the same name as the author of the book. We had a discussion about the difference between autobiography and historical fiction. She understands that the "Little House" books are more historical fiction, even though the stories are based upon Laura Ingalls Wilder's childhood.

And I found my sunglasses, which had been missing for almost a week.

Bittersweet

2009-11-30T17:27:00.001-08:00

Today, in the mail, my mom sent me her spritz cookie press. She really does not bake much for Christmas anymore, and my Wilton plastic cookie press broke in the middle of baking Christmas cookies last year. Her press is all metal, so I have no worries about the trigger breaking on this one.

It makes me kind of sad, I love to bake cookies with my mom, I am now terribly homesick. Mom and I used to make a weekend of the cookie baking. We would do rosettes, spritz, snickerdoodles, "brown eyed susans", Mexican wedding cakes, and these wonderful cherry pecan shortbread cookies. The kitchen always smelled so good, and we had fun with the baking.

K will be helping me bake this year. Our list of cookies will not be so ambitious this year, I do not have a rosette iron, and I can't find the mint chocolate drops for the "brown eyed susans". We will probably do either chocolate chip cookies, or some of the double chocolate cookies (I have containers of that dough in the freezer).

I am feeling really homesick right now. I am hoping that someday, either we can make it to Minnesota for the holidays, or my family can come here so K, my mom, and I can bake Christmas cookies together.

Blank

2009-11-30T08:41:00.000-08:00

I cannot think of anything to write today. I might be able to think of something later but for now, I am blank.

Second Thanksgiving

2009-11-29T17:02:00.000-08:00

For the past few years, we have had what I like to call Second Thanksgiving. We go to either my sister in law, or my parents in law's house for actual Thanksgiving, and then a day or two later we have our own really small Thanksgiving feast for just the three of us. We love turkey leftovers, and really enjoy cooking our own turkey with dressing, potatoes, string beans, gravy, and pumpkin pie. We then get to make our own turkey stock, and have all the yummy leftovers. It is a win-win situation.

Yesterday was Second Thanksgiving 2009. M and I kind of fought over who was doing the cooking, but it all worked out. M chopped up the vegetables and giblets for the stuffing/dressing. I prepared the string beans for steaming, and sauteed the sliced almonds. M had to run to the store to get a few things, so I stuffed the bird and put it in the oven. Then I peeled the potatoes, put them in the pot to be cooked, etc. I pretty much did most of the cooking (grin) and although we kept the bird in about 1/2 hour too long, everything turned out nicely. We served dinner with sparkling apple cider (or as we like to call it - tickle juice) and served a Sara Lee pumpkin pie.

All in all it was a fairly relaxing day, there was no pressure to have dinner done at a certain time, we were able to take our time with it all. I like it when things are quiet and calm.

I know this is probably not my best writing, but I am posting it anyway.

Sea World

2009-11-28T08:27:00.001-08:00

We went to Sea World yesterday. We have annual passes, so we usually go 3 or 4 times a year. The vibe at Sea World is so different from Disney. Disney is so much over stimulation with everything, and Sea World is a lot more mellow.

First thing we did after purchasing the all you can eat passes ($22 with our passholder discount), was go to the Pet's Rule show. All the animals in the show are rescue animals and it really is a fun show to watch.

After that show, we ate lunch at one of the food booths. We had barbecue chicken, brisket, and spare ribs. Yummy. Then we headed to the "Believe" show (Shamu). I really miss the old Shamu shows which were more whale and more educational and less cheesy showmanship. "Hey, , what do you want to be when you grow up?" "I want to be a Shamu trainer!" Ay yi yi!

The dolphin show is closed. Apparently they are re-creating the show and refurbishing the "stadium". Somewhere in the early part of our day we also rode the Sky Tower. We love the Sky Tower. During our ride, I sat next to this guy who was on his phone for the entire ride, talking some sort of construction business. He was going on and on about "I called the polack about that and the crane should be there and ready to go". UM, polack is really not a nice thing to say about a someone of Polish descent. And gee, nice quality family time there. Not to mention the fact that I really do not wish to hear about your business when I am having a mini-vacation with MY family.

We went and saw the flamingos, and went to the bat ray tank. There was a bat ray that kept sticking its head out of the water and splashing everyone in the vicinity. It was really funny to watch.

One of our favorite shows is the sea lion show. The sea lion show does not take itself too seriously, unlike the Shamu show. They also had a "holiday" sea lion show, which we stayed in place for. I put quotes around holiday because the only holiday they were honoring was Christmas. Not even a mere tip of the hat to Hannukah, or any other winter holiday. I would think they would be a little more ecumenical than that, but oh well. The sea lion's Christmas show was really quite funny (in a physical humor sense) and we really enjoyed it.

We then went and ate dinner, hung out at the tide pool (with the sea stars), and got our "Shamu photo". The Shamu photo consists of getting up and straddling a large plastic orca and having a photo taken. Our photo turned out really cool.

We then went to the Shamu "holiday" night time show. In my humble estimation, the show was almost painful to watch. It was all Christmas with no mention of other winter holidays. It was as if the management at Sea World believes that everyone who attends Sea World is Christian. There was a choir that also doubled as an "interpretive dance troupe". The lead male singer was unable to keep pitch (he was singing about 1/4 step flat the entire time). There was much human performing with a little bit of orca performing thrown in, seemingly as an afterthought. I guess when I go to see the Shamu show, I want to see more of the orcas. And I would like to actually learn more about the animals. And the show was seriously cheesy, and not in a fun way. I found my brain giving the entire show the MST3K treatment. It was bad.

Overall the day was good. I enjoy going there, but I found the Shamu Christmas show disappointing.

Tired tonight

2009-11-27T21:36:00.001-08:00

Went to Sea World today. Good day. Too tired to write more for now, so I will write it up tomorrow. :)

Happy Thanksgiving Dear Readers

2009-11-26T18:00:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note (kind of late) to say Happy Thanksgiving.

We had Thanksgiving dinner at my sister in law's house. Today is also M's birthday. So we had birthday cake AND pumpkin pie for dessert today! Did I mention that my sister in law went to chef school? YUMMMMMMMMM.

Great turkey and fixins, and a nice and mellow afternoon was had by all. Too bad the football games were so one-sided.

The Sound and the Fury

2009-11-25T10:58:00.000-08:00

About a half hour ago, I got a phone call from my primary care physician's office. Apparently the imaging center told them that the had no record of my ultrasound and needle biopsy. NO RECORD??? WTF??????????

Furious does not even BEGIN to describe my emotions about that. Seriously, WTF!!!

I am not sure if the imaging center outsources stuff or not, but there need to be better checks and balances in place so they do not LOSE important patient records. Especially biopsies. Contrary to what anyone might say, I did not get this biopsy done out of an enjoyment of being poked with needles. I got it done because I have a SERIOUS HEALTH CONCERN.

OMG my phone is ringing, it is my PCP's office again. Be right back.

OK, I am back. It was my physician. It is good news. There are no malignancies in the samples they took. No Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, no Hodgkins Lymphoma. It is clean. The gland is still large, but if it does not grow any more, we are leaving it alone.

I am still angry about the radiology clinic misplacing my records. And now I am crying streaming tears of relief. Can I opt off this roller coaster now?

News from Unexpected Places

2009-11-24T16:25:00.000-08:00

Still have not received results from my biopsy. I do have a call in to my primary care physician about it.

I went to the orthopaedic surgeon today, to follow up on my bone scan. I really like this doctor. He is no Dr. Hartman (my orthopod in Minnesota), however he is more personable than the typical orthopod.

Regarding the bionic hip, the bone scan turns up nothing. In other words everything LOOKS good. But because I am in pain so much, he is sending me to a pain management specialist. He said he could do an exploratory operation to try and determine if there is anything going wrong in there, but because my "rebuilding" is so extensive, and I have lost so much bone, he is concerned that he would make things worse. Believe it or not, it was a relief to hear him say that. Last time I saw Dr. G. (the new orthopod) I was able to take a photo of my x-ray on the computer monitor. Here it is:

As you can see I have screws holding me together, because when I broke the first artificial hip, I also shattered that side of my pelvis. As far as I am concerned, the less surgery on the hip, the better. But I also need to start functioning better, and my current pain levels are not allowing me to function well.

Dr. G. had also ordered some bloodwork. Basically a CBC and a Sedimentation Rate. The sed. rate was good, not so much good with the CBC though. I have an elevated platelet count with a slightly elevated WBC count. Dr. G. gave me the names of three haematologists. Most haematologists also specialize in oncology, so if this is a malignant process, at least I will be seeing the right kind of specialist. All three of the doctors are also oncologists. I am currently pretending everything is OK. Pretending is the operative word here.

I have made a decision not to call the haematologists' offices until tomorrow. One, because it is now after 4:30, and also because I just do not have the mental energy to do it. One day is not going to make much of a difference. I will be calling tomorrow morning after I drop K off at school. I made the mistake of looking on WebMD a few minutes ago. I really need to put a nuclear block on WebMD for my own sanity.

I have not shaved my head yet. I won't until I know that I will for sure be going through chemotherapy. I plan on embracing the bald head. Annie Lennox rocked a bald head really well, maybe I can too.

Again, twenty two years is a hell of a run.

Another Day, Another Doctor Appointment

2009-11-24T08:56:00.000-08:00

Today I am seeing the orthopaedic surgeon to follow up on my bone scan from last week. I am convinced the pain in my hip is making me walk funny and the walking funny is why I cannot seem to get ahead of these muscle spasms in my back. Setting up the "home theatre" system yesterday probably did not help my back a whole lot, since I was bending, stooping, crawling around and sitting funny almost all day long. I am glad to have it all set up though.

Still no news about my biopsy. I will be calling Dr. H. (my PCP) later today if he does not call me first. I am thinking that no news may indeed be good news on that front. I want to believe that if a malignancy were present, they would move heaven and earth to get me the diagnosis so I could start treatment right away. I am perhaps delusional about that, who knows?

I am really trying to be calm and peaceful. I think I have mostly made peace with the idea of the cancer having possibly returned. I have an idea of what I will do in that case. I could not stand my hair any more, so I trimmed it up myself. Looks fairly good for an amateur, do-it-yourself job! I am certain that the next time I actually go to the salon for a cut, I will get screamed at about it, but hey, no big deal - hair grows back.

The forecast high temperature for Thanksgiving is 80° F. I am still not used to that. Not sure if I will ever get used to that.

Adventures in Electronics

2009-11-23T15:03:00.001-08:00

Our TV arrived safe and sound at about 5:30 yesterday afternoon (they deliver on Sundays!). The two delivery guys took our old heavy beast of a TV to their truck and did a simple set up of the new one, which consisted of taking the new TV out of the box, putting it together (we are not mounting it on the wall), putting the batteries in the remote control, hooking it up to our satellite box, and firing it up to assure that it was operational. We had to loan them one of our phillips head screwdrivers since they did not bring their own tools. I figure that is about a 6.3 on the WTF scale.

We decided to wait until daylight to set everything else up. Although M tried to hook up the DVD player, it worked, but was not displaying the color red for some strange reason.

Woke up this morning, M had misplaced his keys, I found them underneath some papers. Score one for the wife.

After I dropped K off at school, I set about to get the TV and everything hooked up. Looked on the back of the TV and discovered that there is only one set of inputs. One set of inputs and three things that need to be hooked up. Not only that, but there is no S-Video input. Which I found kind of surprising.

Because we have satellite TV and our box does not have an HDMI output, we had no need to purchase an expensive HDMI cable. The satellite box initially was hooked up via coaxial cable. Which left only two things to hook up with one set of inputs. So I made a run to my favorite store that has a bullseye logo to buy an AV switch box. Thankfully they had one that had 3 sets of inputs. YAY!

Back at home, I decided that we might get a better picture using component cable from the satellite box to the TV than using the coax. So I hooked the sat. box up to one of the inputs. The second input was given to the DVD player. I also wanted to run both the sat box and the DVD player through the stereo, so I had to use two splitters on the DVD players outputs, so I could hook the audio to both the stereo and the TV (dang DVD player had only one set of outputs). The third set of inputs went to the Wii. I opted not to run the Wii audio through the stereo because I do not have two more splitters. Got everything connected to the TV, and fired it up.

Satellite worked wonderfully. Switched to the DVD. Houston, there is a problem. I had a side by side double screen on the DVD menu screen, and it was very dark. Ugh, had to go fishing through all the setup menus to get it all straightened out. Finally got it all figured out and plugged a movie in. Voila! Red (and all the other colors), YAY. Turned on the Wii, and somehow the screen was kind of dark for that too. Ran to get a Wiimote, and when the Wiimote hooked up to the Wii, suddenly it was a bright screen, so thankfully no surfing Wii setup menus!

I feel like I have conquered something, but now my lower back is all tight and the muscle spasms are back. Oh well, at least I have everything hooked up. Anyone up for Wii Tennis?

Got a New TV Today

2009-11-22T22:18:00.000-08:00

My husband's parents bought us a new 40" LCD flat screen HD TV today for Christmas. It is very nice. The guys who delivered it, hauled out our old beast of a TV (36" tube TV - seriously a very heavy TV). They also did basic set up (put the TV together and hooked it up to our DirecTV box). Weird thing about that was they did not have a screwdriver with them so we had to go dig out one of our screwdrivers for them, What delivery and setup company sends their guys out without tools?

Still No News

2009-11-21T08:08:00.000-08:00

Oh yay, I get to have another weekend of not knowing. I called my primary care physician yesterday to find out if he had received the results, and he returned my call. He had received the report that they had done the procedure, but nothing from pathology yet. I am to call him on Tuesday or Wednesday if he does not get back to me before then. So I wait some more.

I fail to understand one thing. Back in 1987, when I had the original biopsy done, we got the results from pathology in 48 hours. Now we have had two decades of technological advancement, and it has now been 7 times the amount of time and still no results. How is this possible?

Where is the Off Switch

2009-11-20T08:29:00.001-08:00

It has been a week since I had the biopsy. It is likely that I will not hear the results today, and I am having a difficult time shutting my brain off. I really wish the mechanism that creates thoughts had an off switch. Really trying not to let my thoughts terrorize me.

At least it is Friday, so no homework for K (except for her book report this weekend). We really need to get on top of it since K presents next Wednesday.

I am still having back spasms. But the spasms do not seem as intense as they were earlier in the week. I am mostly able to straighten up when I stand now, instead of walking all crouched over.

No big plans for this weekend, maybe Disneyland if my back is up to it.

I Woke Up at 4 AM

2009-11-19T05:15:00.000-08:00

Really tired of my insomnia and my pain level affecting my ability to sleep. That and the committee in my head that seems to want to carry on its business meetings the moment I want to go to sleep. Really freaking tired, and unsure when I will get decent sleep again. Hoping my back won't be as bad today as it was yesterday. When K and A were playing, I had to go to the car and recline the seat, because the spasms were so bad. I can't stand this much longer.

Hurry Up and Wait

2009-11-18T09:45:00.000-08:00

I am having a bone scan today for my hip. I think my bionic parts are loosening, they have felt "off" for about 9 months or so, and the pain in the joint is on the increase. Pain that wakes me up in the middle of the night. Pain that makes it difficult to walk straight, and thus wrecks my back in the process.

A bone scan consists of going to the imaging center at Hoag (took almost an hour today to get there), laying on the table, getting injected with some sort of nuclear isotope, having some images taken, then being sent away for 3 hours to eat, drink, and be merry; only to come back for about 15 minutes of more "picture taking". All in all, not really a terrible exam, just very time consuming.

I am typing this at Panera, land of the free wifi. I was told to drink at least 32 oz of something so they can get better images. I have a cup of coffee and two glasses of water in front of me. The coffee is taking precedence at the moment.

My back is still tweaked. So far today, it is not too bad, but the beginning of the day has been far better than the end of the day. Still no word on the biopsy, but I really did not expect to hear until Friday at the very earliest, possibly Monday or Tuesday of next week. The lymph node is still a hard and enlarged mass on my neck. And yes, I am obsessed with it.

I desperately need a haircut. My hair is shaggy and not in a good way. But I refuse to spend the money if it is destined to fall out anyway. I will get a haircut when I hear the gland is clean. If I hear otherwise, I am going to shave my head. It will save some discomfort later, when the hair falls out. When part of my hair fell out back in 1987 (the hair that was in the radiation field was toast), my head was super itchy and because my hair was long, it kind of prolonged the inevitable. I figure with super short hair, it should be less uncomfortable. We have the clippers at home, I am not afraid to be bald. Besides, I have a ton of scarves and bandanas, if I do feel at all self-conscious about it. I am thinking I probably won't feel too self-conscious. Who knows, maybe I will. I am mostly beyond caring what other people think.

I have had way too much time to think about it all though, which I hate. I know I will survive this, because that is what I do, but I just hate the idea of it. And it will be harder because the rest of my family is 1800 miles away. I know I have support here, online, and back home, but it is going to be so hard not to have face to face interaction with people back home. Oh well. It is what it is. God, now I am crying in a public place. I HATE that.

Sorry about the "stream of consciousness" nature of this post. My brain is really random and under stress becomes even more random.

I must say, though, that Panera has pretty good coffee and makes a mean chocolate croissant.

Play Dates

2009-11-17T16:16:00.000-08:00

Am I the only person in the world who hates the term, 'play date'? GAAAAH, it drives me crazy.

Anyhow, after school for this entire week, K's friend A is coming with us, because A's mom is in the hospital for chemo. So K is essentially having a week of . It has been kind of cool so far. We sit down and have a snack at one of the picnic tables in the park, the girls do their homework, then they play for an hour. K has been getting her homework done in record time. I think the change of scenery with the homework has helped, along with the incentive of some unfettered play time. K got her math workbook page (both sides) done in 15 minutes today, when it usually takes her 20 minutes each side. Her spelling was done in 10 minutes. Not bad, 25 minutes, I know that she can do things quickly when she is focused. The struggle is getting her in the focus zone.

K's friend, A is such a sweet girl. K took a little longer with her homework yesterday and A waited patiently for K to get done. Today, K was done first, and I had to remind K to wait patiently for A. I am just glad that K is being compliant so far this week. Because K can get really stubborn, especially when it comes to homework.

The Pain is Still There

2009-11-16T09:10:00.000-08:00

I probably overdid things yesterday, setting me up for more pain today. Oh well, I did not want to miss the stuff of yesterday though.

At church, the candidate for associate pastor preached yesterday. Her name is Elizabeth Griswold and she is coming to IUCC mainly to minister to young families with children. Her message was thought provoking, and fulfilling. We as a congregation voted unanimously to call her to be our associate pastor. Welcome Rev. Griswold!

After the congregational meeting there was an all church potluck luncheon. I enjoyed the food and the fellowship. Toward the end, I felt my back seizing up so we went home and I got horizontal. I watched the Vikings game that I had TiVo'd because I knew I would miss it otherwise.

Around 4:00 we left to go to the Bud Kuhl Wood Bat Classic at Angel Stadium. The baseball was free, the parking was free, the food was $10 a plate, with $5 going to United Cerebral Palsy of Orange County. The teams playing were amateurs in an Over 35 league. It was fun to watch them play because they truly enjoy playing the game. No free agency, no high salaries, no arbitration, just the sheer love of baseball. We had to leave at the bottom of the 6th inning because it was getting close to 8:00 and K had to get up for school today. Both teams had a half inning in the field that looked like the Keystone Kops. And of course since these were men ranging in age from late 30s to mid 60s, they were at times, a bit slow moving out there. But it was still fun to watch them. K got a foul ball too, which she was really excited about. All in all, it was a good time.

Today, though, I pay. I have been through these back spasms before, and it feels like I may be coming to the end of this particular episode of it. At least I hope so!

Another Day, Another Pain Pill

2009-11-15T13:45:00.000-08:00

In the midst of all of this drama with the biopsy, the bone scans of the hip and everything, my back has decided to make its disappointment known in a rather obnoxious and painful way. The only relief I really get is when I am lying flat on my back. I have been doing the ice on ice off, the stretches, limiting my activity, and the Tiger Balm and my back muscles still insist upon being a royal pain. It is now affecting my ability to walk. I apologize to my readers for my negativity right now, but my back fucking hurts. It is really hard to see the silver lining when one is surrounded by really dark storm clouds.

I realize that on the continuum of bad things that could happen to me, this stuff I am dealing with right now is certainly not at the worst end, however, I am finding it difficult to see beyond the pain. I am now at a constant 8 on a scale of 10 pain. And I am wondering what the hell I did to tweak it this time.

At the biopsy on Friday, even though there was lidocaine, the last part of it was still very painful, and in my head I kept saying, "find your happy place...find your happy place!" Well today, I can't find my happy place. Today I am wondering if I even HAVE a happy place. And I am angry.

Meh

2009-11-14T09:58:00.000-08:00

So tired, but have not been able to actually sleep well. My mind is not working well right now at all, so I can't really write well. I may write more later today.

Back from the Biopsy

2009-11-13T11:42:00.000-08:00

I apologize in advance if this post does not track well. I am kind of angry.

The hospital that my medical group is affiliated with is Hoag Hospital (which is a very good hospital, just not very convenient). My ultrasound and biopsy was in one of the medical office buildings that is adjacent to the hospital. It takes me 45 minutes on a good day to get to this hospital, so I left early to get to the appointment on time. My appointment was at 10:00 AM so I left at 8:30 to get there by 9:15. Well today the traffic was extremely light so I ended up there at 9:00. No biggie.

Again, assembly line medicine. Check in at one place. Wait, then check in at another place. The redundancy kills me.

Finally get into the ultrasound room. The technician does the initial images, then she brings in the radiologist.

The radiologist felt the nodes, did another ultrasound, and then said, "It might be too small for me to do a biopsy." He proceeded to kind of hem and haw about it, then he asked me what I wanted to do, whether I wanted to wait a month and come back, or do it today. He stated that he did not think he could get any good cells for pathology.

I decided that I wanted him to do the biopsy today. He was not very good at hiding his disappointment about having to do the biopsy. Guess what? It is not his body, and it is not his call. So everything was prepped, my neck was painted orange (the surgical disinfectant), and a pathology tech was brought into the room to assist.

Whole biopsy took about 10 minutes from start to finish, done with lidocaine as a local anesthetic. The doctor and the pathology tech left the room, and the ultrasound tech was left to apply pressure to my neck to stop any bleeding. Doctor came back in after about 5 minutes and said, "Pathology says it looks like we got A LOT of good cells to look at, we will send the report to your GP in about a week."

Funny how a mere 15 minutes previous, he was carping about how there was not enough tissue there to biopsy.

Now I wait.

Orthopaedic Surgeon's Office

2009-11-12T07:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I had my appointment with the orthopaedic surgeon regarding my hip and the increasing pain I am having lately. I appreciated how quickly they could get me in. This is the same orthopaedic practice that I took K to when she fractured her foot. I need to say that I hate this clinic's business model. It is assembly line medicine at its most annoying. It is kind of run like a hospital, in that you check in first in a central location, then you check in again in the department where you are going to be seen. There is so much needless redundancy (is that redundant?) just in how you check in. But this practice, which is near Fashion Island, seems to be the only game in town as far as our PPO goes.

So I go to the central check-in location, and am in the middle of being checked in when this obviously rich woman (with a king-sized sense of entitlement) walks up to the desk and interrupts the woman who was checking me in, and the woman stops what she is doing with me and starts to help her. I let this go for about 30 seconds, and then I spoke up. The woman "helping" me had the audacity to say that she could do two things at once. I insisted that she get back to helping me and let the other woman wait her turn. She got really snippy with me after that. She finished up printing out my paperwork, and sent me on my less than merry way to see the doctor. In the meantime, after I had spoken up, the other person working at the desk was free to help the entitled hag, and somehow she got checked in quicker than I did. And since she was there to see the same doctor that I was, she got in first. GRRRRRRR

The department I was see in yesterday is called "Adult Reconstruction". What am I, a building? Yes, I know, artificial hips are a reconstructive surgery, but I hate being referred to as an "Adult Reconstruction" patient. Seems so very impersonal.

I check in at the desk in the department, and then went to sit down in a completely full waiting room. Two seats away from me is this man, talking loudly on his cellphone about very personal family business, going on and on about how the burden has fallen on him, how his sister has mismanaged her money, and whether Medicare or Medicaid were going to pay for some skilled nursing facility, etc. etc. etc. It was quite annoying. There was a man sitting between the cellphone guy and I, and he was quite annoyed with it too. During the course of this conversation, the call got dropped three times. The third time the call got dropped, the cellphone guy said sarcastically, "Oh, I love AT&T."

I said, loud enough for him to hear, "Oh we do too!" Which elicited a chuckle from the annoyed guy sitting next to me. Cellphone guy redials the phone, and finally gets up and goes out into the hallway to have his conversation. After he is done, he comes back and gets into a conversation with his son, who was there being seen for something, going on and on about how President Obama is a socialist. I was so glad when they called my name to get out of there.

One of the things I really needed to get done while I was there yesterday was to fill out the application for a California handicapped parking placard. I have a handicapped parking placard from Minnesota, but it expires next month, so I need to replace it. When I got brought back to the exam room, the nurse saw that I had the form, so he filled it out and obtained the doctor's signature for me. Somehow I expected it to have to beg for the permit, and that it would be harder than it was.

I had x-rays done, and the doctor came in. He wanted more views so he sent me for more x-rays. Then he did some range of motion tests. He said my x-rays looked perfect but since I am in increasing pain, he wants me to get some more tests run. I really like this doctor, even though I hate the clinic he practices in.

As I was leaving, the woman who "helped" me check in initially was "helping" someone else, and this person was getting really annoyed with her, and she was really not being very helpful.

More Doctor Stuff Today

2009-11-11T08:50:00.001-08:00

In addition to the swollen glands, I am also experiencing pain and loosening in my artificial hip, it feels like it has been loosening for about a year, but the pain is becoming more intense. So I am going to see an orthopaedic specialist today. I am sure I will be sent through the whole x-ray, MRI, Nuclear Medicine Scan thing before they will decide what is wrong with me.

Thankfully, yesterday I met some friends for a light lunch and coffee, after I had scheduled all the stuff that needed to be scheduled. They helped me take my mind off of it for a little while. They all know what is going on, but we were able to talk and laugh. It really helped my attitude a lot.

Because it is Veteran's Day, both M and K are off, so we may do something fun before I have to go to the orthopod.

I am prepared for the worst and hoping for the best today. All I know is it has been awhile since I have felt like myself.

Went to the Doctor

2009-11-10T16:07:00.000-08:00

I am having an ultrasound and needle biopsy on Friday. I am also seeing an orthopod tomorrow about my stupid hip and the pain.

They ran a CBC on me today, but I won't know the results of that for a few days. Now we wait. Sometimes patiently even.

Yes, Yes, I Will Go to the Doctor

2009-11-10T06:40:00.000-08:00

This post is really hard for me to write.

In December of 1986, I noticed that two of my lymph nodes on my neck were swollen and painful. I figured it was because I was getting over a bug of some sort. The swelling did not go down so I went to the doctor in January of 1987. I was put on one round of antibiotics, which did not work, then another different and stronger round of antibiotics. Neither medication worked, so my doctor referred me to an ENT for a biopsy. The moment my doctor uttered the word biopsy, I knew I had cancer.

My biopsy was scheduled for February 3, 1987, an outpatient, same-day surgery deal. Two days later I received a phone call asking me to come into the ENT's office for my diagnosis. Hodgkins Disease. So much went through my mind in those early days of my diagnosis. 1987 was a year of lab tests, surgeries, more lab tests, and daily radiation therapy sessions. I came out of it and have been cancer free since.

At least I think I have been cancer free. Fast forward to now. For about the past two months, I have noticed that two of my lymph glands on my neck have been swollen. Again, I had a cold or a bug and thought that they would eventually go down. They are getting bigger and starting to hurt. I am calling my doctor's office today to make an appointment. I fear the worst, I really do. If it is a recurrence, I know I can get through the chemotherapy (they will not do radiation again), but I am still scared.

At any rate, 22 years cancer free was one hell of a run. I really wish I could think positively about this. I can't right now.

Practicing Gratitude

2009-11-09T08:33:00.000-08:00

One of the things I think is important in life is to practice gratitude. And right now I am feeling like I have lost touch with my attitude of gratitude. It is really easy to get all caught up in what is happening in life to forget to take a few moments to just BE grateful for the things I have in my life.

Today I am grateful for my wonderful family, the love and support of good friends, the fact that our most basic of needs are met, and the comforts of home. I am also grateful for the fog this morning. It was really quite pretty to see, when I was driving K to school.

I had been, for a long time, making a list of 5 things I am grateful for, every day. I feel like I really need to get back into that habit again because it really helps my attitude, and I face difficulties much better when I am grateful than when I am not. Today I will start the Gratitude Lists again.

Day of the Dead Festival

2009-11-08T07:53:00.000-08:00

Last night we went to the Noche de Altares festival in Santa Ana. It is the largest Dia de los Muertes festival in Orange County and it was very moving and beautiful. People had altars set up to honor their loved ones who passed, some honoring many many generations of loved ones. Some of the altars were very simple, while others were quite elaborate and all were exquisite. I did not bring my camera, but wish I had. One of the vendors was selling these painted skulls that were absolutely beautiful.

I found myself alternating between crying and laughing throughout the night. There were two altars set up honoring people who had died of HIV/AIDS. I cried about my cousin Gary all over again. There were at least three altars honoring Frida Kahlo, I giggled about that a little bit. I love Frida Kahlo's art, and having three altars there honoring her was fun. One of the altars, honoring a man, had both a can of Spam and a pack of Lucky Strikes on it. I can only imagine how he died.

There were food vendors selling sugar skulls, tacos, churros, and other Mexican favorites, and other vendors selling any manner of Mexican handicrafts. We got their a little too late for the candle lighting and processional. I was bummed about that. I kept thinking about my friend Rosemary who passed away suddenly in April. One, she would have loved the festival, and two, I miss her terribly. I was unable to attend her memorial service in Minnesota, and I still feel like I need to do something tangible to get some closure. Not sure what I am going to do about that.

Saturday Morning

2009-11-07T07:25:00.000-08:00

There is nothing quite like the sheer luxury of being able to shut the alarm clock off and go back to sleep. Ahhhh, it is a most delicious indulgence. As with most weekends, when K does not have a sport to participate in, we kind of fly by the seats of our pants, and try to be as unplanned as possible. The only thing we have going on today is the Home Depot Kid's Workshop. I wonder what the project is today?

I would go make a cup of coffee (I am the only one who drinks it) but I am out of Splenda and I don't want to add all the calories of regular sugar. May need an Albertson's run at some point today, or perhaps Ralphs since Ralphs is in the same 'town center' as Home Despot. This is Irvine. Strip malls are called 'town centers'. And the 'town centers' have urban sprawl. There are aspects of 'master planned' Irvine that do not seem to be planned out very well. And all of that can be for another post. Because I could write for days about it.

More about the Plumeria thing, One of my friends has the very same Plumeria in her yard, and when it goes dormant she is going to give me a cutting so I can have my very own. I am very excited! Now we just need to borrow a chain saw, I want to plant my Plumeria in the permanent planter out front that has two overgrown generic looking shrubs.

M drove to work yesterday, instead of taking the train, so we were able to eat a quick dinner and go to Disneyland last night. It was weird. Parts of Disneyland were completely dead and other parts were overcrowded. We were going to try to go on Pirates of the Caribbean and there were way too many people in line. But yet we were able to get right on the Matterhorn, and only had a little wait for the Haunted Mansion. We ended the night on the Jungle Cruise and the boat captain was hilarious. On the tram ride back to the parking area, the guy with the PA was really silly as well. Best tram ride ever!

I was talking with one of my friends yesterday, after all the gunman drama and school lockdown excitement here on Thursday, and I told her that I really wanted a cigarette when all this crap was going down. I quit smoking over 19 years ago, and it was kind of scary just how quickly those crazy thoughts come back up. After speaking to a friend of mine who lives in the apartment complex that they found the dead gunman in, she indicated that he had been served eviction papers by the OC Sheriff's Department, and told them he would be right out, shut his door and shot himself. So really, there was no need for the IPD, S.W.A.T. and the OC Sheriff's Department to go to all this drama. They did not even try to enter the apartment for like 5 hours after the shots were fired. Can anyone say Overkill?

I apologize for the rather randomness of this post, my brain is bouncing around like a Mexican Jumping Bean today. I am beginning to think that I need to be on Ritalin because my focus is so out of whack.

Herding

2009-11-06T09:32:00.000-08:00

After all the drama yesterday, with Fort Hood and the guy in Irvine who, after being served with eviction papers, decided to hole himself up in his apartment with guns, and caused a city and county law enforcement frenzy, I spent the rest of the day "herding". I tried to reach out via phone and online, to make sure everyone I know is OK. Never thought I would end up being the human equivalent of a sheepdog, but there it is.

I also "herded" after the 35W bridge in Minneapolis collapsed. I spent two days trying to call people I knew to make sure everyone was OK. Amazingly only 13 people died in the bridge collapse, and I am grateful I did not know any of them. Sad for the people who did lose someone in that preventable tragedy.

In other news, K has had to do a nightly moon observation. We are on week three of four, and we have been walking to the neighborhood park every night to get a better view of the night sky. On our way, every night, we pass a flowering shrub, which is beautiful, and smells like lilacs. I miss lilacs, they do not grow well here because of the lack of a dormant season. I have been trying to figure out what kind of shrub this was because I would like to plant one or two in our yard. One of my friends on Facebook, after seeing the photos I posted of the shrub, identified it for me! It is a variety of Plumeria, likely a dwarf, since apparently, Plumerias are usually trees. Yay, Lynne, you rock!

Here are photos of the Plumeria.

Did Not Need the Drama Today

2009-11-05T17:01:00.000-08:00

Today, seven schools in our vicinity were put on lockdown because apparently there was a gunman on the loose this afternoon. Of course K's school was one of the schools locked down. I did not hear about it all until right before I left to pick K up. My friend C called me to tell me she would be late getting A from school because she was at Irvine High, picking up her other kids, and could I watch A until she got there. "Sure," I said, "What is going on?" Then she told me that all the schools in Northwood were on lockdown.

This was after I first heard about the Fort Hood shootings today. To say that I am emotional about this all is quite an understatement. I have already given K about 10 extra hugs today, and have been less stern with her, regarding her homework. I also allowed her a short playdate with P and L this afternoon. Life is too short to bash her to death with homework.

Not much better today

2009-11-05T10:17:00.000-08:00

Now in addition to the stabbing pain, I am getting the flu-like body aches. I hope this is not the H1N1 flu, since the injectable vaccine is still not available here in Orange County.

Blah

2009-11-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

I feel really old today. And my pain level is an 8 out of 10. I wish the stabbing pain in my left hip would stop. It has been 8 days and it still won't stop. I may write more later, but my brain is completely empty except for the pain right now.

Homework

2009-11-03T15:43:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I carp a lot about the amount of homework K is assigned from school. It is really kind of insane, the volume of work these kids have to do at home, and I am not really sure what the answer is.

Having had children in both a Minnesota and a California school district, I can honestly say that Minnesota does it better. The Bloomington, MN school district has longer school days (about 5:15 hours more per week than here in Irvine), and far less homework, at least at the elementary school level. Basically all S had to do for homework was read for 30 minutes a day and an occasional worksheet to finish at home. He had the occasional larger project that needed to be mostly completed at home, but other than that, no real homework. In contrast, K has at least 45 minutes to 1 hour of homework (my estimation of how long an average child with no attention deficit should take) every day. She has had that level of homework since Kindergarten. And this is not including the 20-30 minutes of reading she is supposed to do every day. S even commented to me that K has more homework in elementary school than S had in high school (Bloomington school district).

K is an August child, so she is one of the youngest kids in her class. I think she lags less, developmentally now, than she did in Kindergarten. And her abililty (or lack of it) to focus has been an issue from jumpstreet. When we moved to Irvine, three weeks before school started, I had to scramble to get K and S enrolled in school, and although K had been evaluated for Kindergarten readiness in Minnesota, they had to re-evaluate her in California. So I took her to the evaluation and apparently she did well enough to be put in the "Later Gators". At K's school the "Early Birds" are the kids that are not as advanced academically speaking. The "Later Gators" are already starting to read on their own, where the "Early Birds" in some cases, are still learning their letters. So cool, K was a "Later Gator". Periodically throughout the school year, her teacher, Mrs. N. would approach me and tell me that K was not focusing well, but that it was not unusual, since some of the children were almost a year older than her. April conference time came, and I got a note from Mrs. N. that she did not need to have a conference with me, unless I wanted one. So, cool, K was doing well enough that there were not any apparent overwhelming concerns on the part of her teacher. How wrong I was.

About one week after conferences were over, Mrs. N. approached me after school and said, "I am going to move K down to 'Early Birds' because she is not focusing well in class." Mind you, this was 6 weeks before the end of the school year.

I responded as calmly as I could (I was really upset), "No, you are not moving her to 'Early Birds'. Our family has a routine, and you are not going to upset that routine." Again, wishing my brain had been along for the ride that day, it would have been nice for me to mention to her that she was the one that did not seem to need a conference with me, and that if things had been that terrible, she should have requested a conference. I heard later on, from another parent, that she had a list of kids that she had wanted to move down, she went down the list and asked each set of parents to move their kids and none of them budged. I upped my volunteer hours in the classroom, and had Mrs. N. send home the work that K did not finish in school. But I did not allow her to be moved down.

First grade was amazing for K. She had a young, energetic teacher and K absolutely thrived in there. I had an ongoing dialog with Mrs. B. regarding the focus and attention issues, and she assured me that K was doing well academically. After Mrs. N., Mrs. B. was really a breath of fresh air.

Again, anyone who knows me well, knows that last year was a particularly rough one for both K and I regarding the workload. This was second grade, mind you. Last year, K had a teacher that in my humble estimation, should have retired 10 years ago. This particular teacher is also the Gifted Education coordinator for the school. And she also had parent volunteers in her classroom every single day, and worse, parent volunteers were taking home stacks of the entire class' work to correct (against data privacy laws), leading me to wonder what the hell Mrs. F. does in there. But yet, she was still unable to keep certain kids in her class focused enough to finish work in class (K being one of those "certain kids"), and she had the kids take home "catchup work" quite regularly. K would get a "catchup work" bag at least once every two weeks, and this catchup work would take between 5 to 15 hours to complete. This was in addition to the homework which was taking K 10 hours a week to complete. Early in the school year I asked Mrs. F. if I should have K evaluated for ADHD, because the volume of work was overwhelming. She told me not to. She insisted that K did not need any help. (No, maybe not, but her mom does, because if this volume of work was going to keep up all year, which it did, K's mom was likely to commit Hara Kiri). I finally went "over her head" and contacted the school psychologist and arranged for her to observe K.

K had a particularly bad day in school on the day of the psychologist's evaluation. Mrs. F. approached me after school and lamented that K had a rough day, and that she was disappointed about that. I told her I was glad that K had a bad time during the observation, because then the psychologist could get an idea of what things were like at home, and that I may be able to get some help, or at least some strategies. About a week later, my husband and I met with the school psychologist, Mrs. F. and the principal about what was going to happen next. Since this meeting occurred one week before school let out for the summer, it was left with making plans for further evaluation in the fall.

That day after school, Mrs. F. (who must be Catholic - I recognize the whole guilt and shame deal from my own Catholic upbringing) approached me and said, "You better be grateful for what Ms. K (school psychologist) is doing for you. You need to bend over backwards and be grateful because the school district does not do this for just any parent."

I wish I'd had the presence of mind to say that the school district is mandated by law to at the very least do a preliminary evaluation for any parent that has concerns regarding ADHD and other learning problems. I also wish that I had said, "And I have not bent over backwards having K do 10 hours of homework a week and up to 15 hours of catchup work on top of it? Did you really mean to tell me that out loud, after we have sacrificed any chance for K to have any unfettered play time this entire school year?"

Cut to this year, K has Mrs. H. for third grade. I really like Mrs. H., she is another young and energetic teacher. But the homework is still taking longer than I think it should. And we are working on somehow getting it more manageable. About a week ago, we had a SST (Student Study Team - pretty much the Irvine analog to IEP) meeting. K does not have a full IEP, because academically speaking, she is gifted. Present at the meeting were Dr. P. (principal), Ms. K (school psychologist). Mrs. A (special ed. teacher), Ms. M. (speech/language pathologist), Mrs. H. (K's teacher) and I. We talked about K's educational experiences thus far, and I finally got to rant a bit about Mrs. N. I was told at that meeting that I did the exact right thing for K, regarding Mrs. N. wanting to move K down. I was given some strategies for homework, and told that if I needed more pointers to just ask. It was a really good meeting. I was also told that I should have K tested for the Gifted program, because according to her STAR testing (the California standardized tests) she qualifies as gifted. Not sure what the Gifted program entails, but if it is an "in addition" program rather than a standalone program, I think we will pass on it. No point in killing the poor child by burying her in paperwork.

Yep, See I already forgot to post

2009-11-03T12:51:00.000-08:00

I totally missed yesterday so I will be making two posts today.

Mondays completely stink and I think they should all be taken out of the calendar. It was not a complete trainwreck of a day but I totally got my wires crossed with my cousin as to where we would meet at Disneyland and we completely missed each other. Compounded by the fact that I left my cellphone at home. I don't call it an electronic leash for nothing.

Then, the strategies that seemed to work for motivating K to do her homework last week did not work yesterday, so it took K two hours to do one math worksheet. *facepalm* Hopefully, today's homework will go much better.

The good news is that the Phillies won last night, forcing a game six!

NaBloWriMo

2009-11-01T13:10:00.000-08:00

It is November 1, so it is National Blog Writing Month (coincides with NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month). I am not confident with my ability to write fiction, so I will just be blogging every day in November. This exercise will test my ability to focus on a project and stick to it, because I have the attention span of a Tse Tse Fly. We shall see.

Today, so far, has been a really good day. We took the Brownie troop and the Tiger Cub den to the Pacific Marine Mammal Rehabilitation Center in Laguna Beach. The Brownies all earned a special "Marine Life" try-it today. Try-its are the Brownie version of merit badges, they have to actually complete four different related tasks to earn them.

We learned about the difference between sea lions and seals, learned about what they do at the center to help sea lions, seals, dolphins, and small whales. The volunteer, Kathy, showed us some of the hazardous things these sea mammals encounter, and how these hazards harm them. We also got to watch the staff feed the sea lions and seals. The kids even got to see a sea lion's eye (it was in a jar, preserved, so people can see how large their eyes are. Some of the girls were pretty skeeved out by the eye in a jar, but K was very interested. K has mentioned that she wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up, so it is a good thing that the eye did not creep her out.

It was a very nice outing, and we had a gorgeous day, as far as the weather goes, to go there.

On edit, I forgot to add that the H1N1 flu has hit K's school. We ran into one of the parents at Target yesterday and one of their kids got diagnosed with it on Friday. They also found out that out of 25 children in that child's class, 13 were absent on Friday. Still no injectable H1N1 vaccine here in Orange County. To say that I am nervous about this is a severe understatement.

I Hate the Media

2009-10-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

Because both K and I have asthma and I have a compromised immune system, it is important for both of us to get the flu shot. Well, this year adds another wrinkle, we also need to get the H1N1 shot. But we cannot get the nasal spray version of it because that is live virus and it would be dangerous for the both of us. So we need to wait for the injectable attenuated virus immunization.

Last week, I went to my clinic to get my regular flu shot. They did not have the pediatric dose of the regular flu shot (WTF???) and I was told to call every week on Wednesday afternoons or Thursday mornings to see if they got regular peds flu vaccine in. Okey Dokey!

We have been put on the waiting list for when H1N1 injectable attenuated vaccine comes in. Meanwhile, the news media is acting like all the H1N1 vaccine is readily available, when NOBODY has the injectable attenuated version. Worse than that, they are reporting that people who are at highest risk really should have gotten the vaccine by now, because people are already dying. UM, THANKS, assholes. Nice to foment a shitstorm of hype about this when there is absolutely nothing people can do but wait and hope their providers actually RECEIVE the vaccine and that there is enough vaccine for everyone that needs it (I have my doubts about that). I am nervous enough as it is, without the damned hype and doomsday scenarios. I have enough personal drama, thank you very much.

Unadvised endeavors

2009-08-07T14:24:00.000-07:00

I am going to start this post stating that I am amazingly and wildly out of shape. Four months of pneumonia and the cascade of asthma plus the ensuing depression makes it really difficult to get motivated to work out.

Two weeks ago, at my daughter's swim meet, they had a "Parent's Relay". The original email stated that each parent would swim 25 yards (one pool length). So I got myself signed up to do the relay. The day of the relay they told us we would be swimming 50 yards. Well, I was not going to back out, what is one more length of the pool, right?

They had us do a warm up lap or two (I chose to do only one lap, to preserve my energy, especially since I had forgotten my inhaler in my other handbag, so did not have that available). I felt pretty good, confident that I would be OK out there. How very wrong I was.

I opted to swim second for my team. That was probably a good thing. So I bellyflopped off the blocks when it was my turn, swam to the end of the pool. No problem, so far, so good. About half way through the second lap, I started gasping for breath. So I tried to slow down and breathe. Then my body just stopped working. I was trying to will my body to do the freestyle stroke and really nothing was happening. So I did the only thing I could think of, I flipped over to my back and started to do the backstroke. I was still very winded, and not moving very well. I started to panic and cry, thinking I was going to die out there in the pool, making a complete ass out of myself in front of my daughter and everyone. I finally made it to the end of the pool, but could not climb out on my own and had to be pulled out. I really should have dropped out of the thing once I found out it was 50 yards. What on earth was I thinking?

I take a bit of pride in the fact that I DID finish my leg. And I did not die out there.

The next day, we had a family kayaking day for the Brownie troop. Matt, K, and I rented two kayaks, one single and one tandem. I put Matt in the tandem with K, because if I got stranded I did not want K stranded with me. I was really nervous about the kayaking, especially since I had really gotten in over my head swimming the day before. But it was a lot easier than I thought (and way easier than canoeing, which I have done before). I almost capsized my kayak a couple of times, and got seriously soaked, but it was really fun. I really want to go again.

Adventures in Air Travel

2009-06-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

Note: these two entries were written longhand on my trip back to Orange County from Minnesota. Also note that there is some rather blue language, which I am not going to edit.

MSP ---> DEN

Our flight was originally scheduled for 7:10 PM Central time. When I checked online about the status, it said the flight was delayed to 7:40 PM. So we left later for the airport than originally planned. At 7:40 PM we did not even have a plane at the gate to board yet. I started to freak out in the airport (quietly to myself, anyway). Somehow we got a plane at the gate and boarded. We were able to pull away from the gate by 8:10. The original schedule had a 1:06 layover in Denver. But the flight is leaving one hour late. Now I am totally freaked. Captain just came over the PA system and said the flight takes 1:37, according to my calculations we have already missed our plane in Denver.

I fucking predicted this when I actually thought about the itinerary. I so wish the flight had been overbooked and they had asked for folks to take the first flights out in the morning. We would have stayed another night in the Twin Cities. I am certain we will be spending the night in the Denver airport. We are so fucked. And I am so upset.

DEN ---> SNA

Okay, I freaked a bit much on that last leg of the flight. I also forgot about Mountain Time, so we did not miss the plane. There were 5 of us on the MSP flight that needed to be on the flight to SNA. The flight attendants had us raise our hands and told everyone else that they needed to let us off the plane first. That totally rocked. Frontier airways rocks. No tray table ads!

We ran the three gates to get to the new plane and they had just finished up the pre-boarding (because of my hip, I always pre-board), so I was able to get right on the plane. Razor thin margin of error. We are now settled in on the new plane. A huge bolt of lightning just hit nearby, so we will be delayed leaving the gate. As it is, we are cutting it really close to be able to land at SNA due to the curfew. All planes must land by 10:55 PM. No exceptions. All later planes are diverted. Fucking Newport Beach NIMBYs. At least we will make it home tonight, and will not be sleeping in the airport. I hope if they divert us, they choose to divert to Ontario or Long Beach, rather than LAX.

Oh good, we are finally pulling away from the gate. Flight attendants are being instructed to sit down for takeoff! And now the complete douchebag accross the aisle from me has pulled out his cellphone and started making phonecalls. AFTER everyone has been instructed to turn off and put away all electronics. RULES asshole! (This same prize - later in the flight pulled out a laptop, an iPod, his crackberry, AND a portable DVD player and set it all up on the three seats in his row.)

We landed at 10:53 PM. Just barely made it. That crew was AWESOME.

High Speed Car Chases

2009-04-10T16:44:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning to the "breaking news" of a high speed car chase in Orange County. The chase today was a particularly crazy one, a woman in a Scion box (whatever the heck the model is that looks like a box on wheels) was chased from Long Beach to Rancho Santa Margarita. This chase spanned several freeways and lasted over an hour and included her stopping dead in the toll lanes of the 91 freeway, her doing donuts in the median of the 241 toll freeway, her slowing the car down to a slow crawl and getting out while the car was still moving, her gesturing to the police out of her windows, her turning her car around and driving the wrong way on the 241 toll road, and her car finally being "pitted" and swarmed by several CHP cars.

Car chases are considered high entertainment here. What I fail to get is what makes people think they are going to outrun the police, especially in a Scion box? Even if she could have outran the police, they likely got her license plate numbers and could certainly radio ahead to more remote law enforcement units and eventually she would get caught. Is it the 15 minutes of fame? Seems kind of silly since neither her name nor her photo were included in the news coverage of the chase.

And isn't it against all the laws of physics for a Scion box to go over 100 mph?

Signage

2009-04-01T15:28:00.000-07:00

One of the most frustrating aspect of living here in southern California is the signage here. Seriously. There are billboards on top of billboards lining all of the freeways here. Quite frankly the billboards are an eyesore. We are constantly inundated with superfluous information on needless signs everywhere.

The thing that frustrates me the most, however, is the lack of signage for important stuff like freeway entrances. Most of the main thoroughfare type roads here are 3 lanes going each way, and people are very resistant to letting others change lanes. It chaps my hide to no end to discover that a freeway entrance is going off to the left when I am in the right lane, and the only sign telling me that is 200 feet before the entrance. There are numerous instances of this type of thing, especially in Orange County.

And then there are signs that are just plain stupid. Like the two signs I encountered today on the 405. Well actually one of the signs was on the entrance ramp to the 405 south from Bristol Street. It was one of those diamond shaped caution signs, which read, "Landscape Ahead". Really, Landscape Ahead? I thought I was in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The second sign read, "Landscape Ends". This sign was located about 1/4 mile before the Jamboree Rd. exit. I guess if the landscape ended, I must have been driving a hovercraft.

Please, southern California, I am begging you, post fewer unnecessary signs, and post more signs that give useful information, and post them in more appropriate locations.